Beat It, Nerd

Well, I'm Back

2006-11-13T19:31:00.000-05:00

Sweet Jesus, has it really been like 2 weeks since my last post? Good golly Miss Molly! I didn't intend to be away that long, but, you know, things get in the way. Like, ridiculous levels of attention paid to the mid-term elections. Oh, and a lot of time spent reconfiguring my computer so it can use many of the visual bells & whistles of Windows Vista without actually having to buy Windows Vista.

And, uh, just kind of sitting around. Some books were involved. And some movies. And some sloth. I'm only human.

So, I'm going to ease back into the whole regular posting thing. Oh, and hey, how 'bout dem liberals, huh? Good going, guys. Try to not lose it to the conservatives again for at least 12 years, if not longer. Things get real crazy real fast when they have complete control...

Wayne Huizenga Will Burn In Hell

2006-10-31T19:26:00.000-05:00

Happy Halloween, readers. Despite the holiday, I'm in no mood for trick-or-treating -- I'm in the mood to mete out swift vengeance to the man most responsible for the downfall of what was once the world's greatest (American) football team.

The team? The Miami Dolphins. You might know them as the only NFL team to ever go undefeated. The man who ruined them? A sleazy scumbag should-be slumlord by the name of H. Wayne Huizenga, a.k.a. the Dolphins' owner. Who shall henceforth be referred to in this column as the Trash Man.

Why "Trash Man?" Because that's how he got his start: the "waste management" business. And because he's turned the 'Phins into pure garbage since buying them a little over a decade ago. I bring this up because the Miami Herald's David J. Neal summed up the Dolphins' demise quite nicely in a recent column, and reading it renews my urge to punch someone until the Dolphins start winning again. Might as well be the Trash Man. He's old, and will break easily.

Regarding the phenomenon discussed in Neal's article, I've seen it at work here in Baltimore. Locals tell me that, due to a combination of Don Shula's B-more connection and the theft of the Colts in the '80s, the 'Phins had a sizeable fan base in this area at one point. Nowadays, though, if you see a Baltimorean wearing aqua-and-coral? They're homeless. Homeless! The humanity!!!

You Too Can Make Crappy Indie Comics

2006-10-26T20:57:00.000-04:00

Shelton here, with a hot tip for you that I got from the latest issue of the Stone: www.com-mix.org.

Long story as short as possible, the site basically works like Colorforms, using art presumably donated by a bushel of indie artists. You select the characters, the background, props, word balloons, etc., then paste them all together into one of six pre-set panel selections. Once done, you save it, and the cartoon is stored on the com-mix website for other visitors to see. Here's some of my handiwork, writing gags for artists Fay Ryu (the dude), Sakura Maku (the lady), and Paul Hoppe (the background); click for a larger version:

The selections are pretty limited, and there's a handful of annoying inconveniences (for example, I wasn't able to get the above example to save on the site with the background intact; am presuming it was a strip memory limitation or something), and outside of doing a screenshot, there's no direct way to save a cartoon to your computer. But, worth a visit if you're into such stuff.

No "sa-lute!" for it, though!

Robert Moore, You're One Crafty Son Of A Bitch

2006-10-25T22:24:00.000-04:00

Guess what? Another kid managed to climb inside a one-armed bandit. I say "another" 'cause, seriously, a report like this seems to surface once a year. Which also makes me wonder if this has been happening as long as one-armed bandits have been around and we're just hearing about it more because of around the clock media coverage that constantly needs more fodder.

Either way, too bad Dubya-B didn't have this experience as a kid. Might have taught him an important lesson about having an exit strategy before you go into something. Zing!

Hopefully The Stupidest Goddamn Marketing Statement You'll Read All Day

2006-10-24T23:10:00.000-04:00

From this Toronto Star article, about Taco Bell promising a free taco to every man, woman and child in America (and potentially Canada?) if a home run got hit "into the left-field or centre-field [remember, it's a Canadian article] stands during tonight's World Series Game Three."

Here's a Taco Bell spokesperson re: the promotion:

"We can't think of a more fitting way to celebrate America's favourite pastime than by giving fans a chance of winning America's favourite taco," said Bill Pearce, chief marketing officer for Taco Bell Corp.

Really? You can't think of any better way to celebrate baseball? Di-a-bolical.

Robert Fiveson Contra DreamWorks y Los Warner Bros.

2006-10-24T19:56:00.000-04:00

Good news from Variety: a federal judge has ruled that the lawsuit filed by Robert S. Fiveson & the awesomely named Clonus Associates against DreamWorks & Warner Bros. can move forward.

Why does this matter? Because Fiveson is the creator of a little-known '79 sci-fi/horror flick called Parts: The Clonus Horror, and claims that DW/WB's The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson, is a ripoff of his film. After hearing this last year I made it a point to watch both movies, and in my opinion Fiveson has a very good case.

Plus, DreamWorks really isn't helping itself with a defense like this:

...DreamWorks also has argued plaintiffs were not entitled to any damages because "The Island" wasn't profitable.

The judge, however, said the defendants' method of calculating was highly contested by the plaintiffs and that the defendants did not provide supporting documentation when filing a declaration saying "The Island" made zero profit.

In other words, DreamWorks -- implying a place where dreams are made in factory-like conditions -- feels that it's perfectly all right for them to steal other people's ideas so long as they don't make any money off the project. That's a very progressive stance for a media conglomerate to take.

Incidentally, unless you have a subscription to Variety.com, you probably won't be able to read the linked article after a day or so. Tough titty for you, eh?

Farewell To A Champion

2006-10-21T14:36:00.000-04:00

When it comes to sneakers, I've primarily been a Vans man since my teenaged years, though I did have a Chuck Taylor's phase as well. Still, I always found Vans to be more comfortable, and have worn them exclusively since my early 20s. (Note: Should the Vans people want to reward me for this taste-making endorsement with free sneakers, I'll gladly accept.)

My last pair were perhaps the greatest shoe ever created in the history of footwear: the Vans Maestro (pictured above). But they were two years old, and it was time for some replacements. So, a couple weeks back, I found myself near a local Vans discount outlet and went in. Good news was, they had the Maestros -- and in what I call Confederate Army colors, no less -- but they didn't have 'em in my size. No worries, I thought. I'll find a pair somewhere.

I thought that would be today, when I took a trip to an even-closer, but non-discount outlet Vans store, planning to walk out with a brand-new pair of Maestros. Then came the even worse news: the Maestro line had been discontinued, and I was lucky to have seen any at the discount joint.

Long story short, I settled for a pair of Emorys, in what I call Imperial Navy colors. They're no Maestros, but they're close and pretty damn comfortable in their own right. Sa-lute!

Chimps Are 20 Years Behind Us In Video Game Prowess

2006-10-20T19:31:00.000-04:00

If this video is to believed, chimpanzees have learned to play Ms. Pac-man. Color me unimpressed; I've finished GTA: San Andreas (without cheating), after all.

Alright, a chimp playing a video game is pretty cool. Too bad they didn't go with a more obvious choice, though. I'd pay money to watch a chimp play this classic -- double for an ape.

Quite Possibly The Most Awesome Japanese Characters Ever

2006-10-19T20:33:00.000-04:00

First, as a bit of backstory, about six months ago I expanded or wrote every Wikipedia article about Bon Scott-era AC/DC albums, most of the articles for those albums' songs, and even ones for Back in Black, ACDC Lane and more. I also strengthened a few other music articles, but High Voltage to Highway to Hell was my primary focus. A lot of man-hours were involved, but I like the concept of Wikipedia and felt, as a writer/editor, that I had a duty to help them out in whatever small way I could. I'm sappy like that.

Back to the present, I still patrol those pages on a fairly regular basis -- you know, make sure no jealous Brian Johnson fans are messing up the place, that sort of thing. And every now and then, I go check out other countries' AC/DC pages, just to see what they've got cooking. Tonight, I hit up Japan's page... which is why I'm now pleased to present six series of Japanese characters you can wear without fear that they say something unflattering. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you -- AC/DC, THE BON SCOTT VERSION, IN JAPANESE!!!

エーシーディーシー

ボン・スコット
アンガス・ヤング
マルコム・ヤング
クリフ・ウィリアムス
フィル・ラッド

Thank you, Tokyo! Goodnight!

Homina Homina

2006-10-18T19:42:00.000-04:00

If you're a Scarlett Johansson lover, and you wear a pacemaker, I don't recommend picking up the new Esquire. Or clicking here, here, here, here, or here, and definitely not here. Yowza.

Incidentally, I found the Urban Dictionary's entry on "homina" to be quite chuckle-worthy, especially sentence two. A-woo-gah a-woo-gah indeed.

A Relatively Lazy Post About The Rolling Stones

2006-10-17T22:43:00.000-04:00

I call this a lazy post because I wrote most of it before posting it to this here blog-a-roo. It all started when I did a drive-by past fellow On Time!er The Far North End, and found him having an existential dilemma regarding one of my favorite bands, the Rolling Stones. Besides asking for Stones album recommendations, FNE's question was: why does anyone consider the Stones to be equals to, if not better than, the Beatles? The rest of tonight's post is my reply to that question, spiced up with some stolen pictures. Enjoy!

* * *

For me, the answer to “Beatles or Stones?” will always be “Stones.” Almost exclusively because of the song “Sympathy for the Devil.” But I don’t see the Stones as being more innovative or influential as the Beatles. More talented? I’d call that a draw. Ultimately, I think it’s kind of like, whether a person believes in [INSERT PREFERRED CREATOR NAME HERE] or [INSERT PREFERRED CREATOR-OPPONENT NAME HERE], chances are they still believe that the creator is more powerful and influential than (and may have in fact created) the opponent.

I didn't live through the '60s, so I can't speak for the hippies, but that's how I've always viewed their rivalry: the Beatles were yang, and the Stones were yin. People just kind of go with whatever vibe they like the most. And yes, the Beatles were probably a more groundbreaking group than the Stones... but you’d be hard-pressed to prove they were cooler.

* * *

Two other things I just now thought to add -- first, the Stones gain a lot of props due to the fact the core members have been working together for 40-some-odd years, whereas the Beatles only lasted about a decade.

On a more superficial level, the Beatles couldn't boast anyone as awesome as Keith Richards, and the Stones weren't hampered by anyone as toolish as Paul McCartney (though arguments could be made in Mick Jagger's favor on that point). Discuss.

Awesome Album Covers #3

2006-10-16T19:28:00.000-04:00

Here's the thing: the topic of the long-overdue third installment of Awesome Album Covers was going to come from the Rolling Stones' canon. Then I said to myself, "Self -- the first two AACs came from Dylan and the Pink Floyd, respectively. Go with the Stones tonight, and you'll be labeled a hippie!"

"Can't argue with that," I replied. "And as you well know, there are few things I detest more than being labeled!" So with that in mind, myself and I went back to the album cupboard and came up with tonight's decidedly-not-hippie-music Awesome Album Cover selection...

Iron Maiden's
Somewhere in Time!

Click for larger version!

I'll be honest: I'm not a real big Iron Maiden fan. I do like a number of their tunes -- at least two off of each of their first seven albums -- but they don't get a lot of five-star ratings on my iPod ("Running Free" being a very notable exception that probably deserves six or more stars). That said, I love their album covers, and tonight's selection is no exception.

Like all Iron Maiden cover art, this piece prominently features the band's mascot, Eddie, front and center. More importantly, it marks the culmination* of a series of ever-more-complex cover images from artist Derek Riggs, beginning with the band's eponymous debut in 1980. In fact, this one's so detailed that I decided to post both the front and back images -- an unprecedented move for Awesome Album Covers!

If you're familiar with Iron Maiden history you'll see a lot of nods to their previous albums, not to mention a cameo by the band itself. But why waste further words on this awesome illustration when you can viddy it with thine own eyes? Click the above image for a much larger version, and feast on what may very well be the greatest sci-fi-influenced album cover of all time! Bon scottetite!

UPDATE: For a MUCH larger version of Riggs' original SiT album art, go here. And while you're at it, why not groove on everything www.derekriggs.com has to offer? That dude rules.

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* Yes, I know Iron Maiden put out a bunch more albums after this one, some of which also had interesting album covers, but none that followed came close to matching SiT for its detail and overall coolness. And when they dropped Riggs after 1990's No Prayer for the Dying, the covers weren't even worth looking at anymore. That's not opinion, that's scientific fact.

Beat It, Nerd 2.0 Is Online And Fully Operational

2006-10-15T18:21:00.000-04:00

Whew -- the dust is all but settled, and Beat It, Nerd is officially nuzzled in sweet momma Blogger Beta's warm embrace. Lest she be forgotten, though, here's one last look at the original site (click for a larger image, if you're into staring at dinosaurs):

If you're a current Blogger user, and have the option of switching to Blogger Beta, I highly recommend it. If you're not getting an update invite on your Blogger dashboard, it's still possible to switch your blog -- as seen here, duh -- but it will take a good amount of time. Especially if you have a large blog. That said, here's some of the new features offered by Blogger Beta:

* First, my favorite addition: post topics/meta-tags, with the option to post a complete list of your blog's topics in the sidebar (or elsewhere if you want to get real crazy).

* Faster blog & post editing with tons more options for each.

* HTML-free color, font, layout & blog features editing (though you'll still need to go to the HTML editor for some things).

* Better archive layout and options.

That's not all, but those are the things that caught my eye. Give it a spin yourself if you wanna know more, or don't. What do I care?

Moving Day

2006-10-15T13:17:00.000-04:00

Swank new digs, no? And it's on the even swankier new "Blogger Beta." Only thing is, Blogger didn't deem the original Beat It, Nerd swanky enough to extend an invitation to migrate to Blogger Beta, so I had to take a very long route to get here. Fortunately, and almost by chance, I found out that deleted-blog URLs are now instantly available. So, it was "just" a matter of deleting the original beatitnerd.blogspot.com, starting a Blogger Beta account, relaunching the old URL on the new account, and now the fun part: transferring the old posts, having already saved the HTML for each in Microsoft Word documents. Quite a fun afternoon ahead of me...

My Tax Dollars Have Allegedly Helped Kill More Than A Half-Million Iraqis, And I Didn't Even Get A Lousy T-Shirt

2006-10-11T19:53:00.000-04:00

Well. If you're a United States citizen like yours truly, then all you can really do is hope that this report isn't true.

I mean, fuck. 655,000 dead Iraqis? In a war that was supposed to liberate them, with very limited enemy response during the invasion stage? You'd think a relatively small country like that would be just about empty at this point. Hell, isn't that more than we lost in WWII? And remember, that's not just dead soldiers. It's dead old folks, women, babies and halfwits, the whole kit and caboodle. A hell of a lot of people. Poof. Just like that.

Of course, the warhawks will pooh-pooh the whole thing. "This is just one study," they'll harrumph. "Inconclusive. Probably biased. And in the end, they're just numbers. Right?"

Well, sure. Whatever gets you through the night, old bean. Personally, I just hope my tax dollars wound up in the pneumatic tube that goes to the Department of Education or some such shit. I wasn't in the market for dead Iraqis, and certainly don't want the government buying any on my behalf.

Get Motivated

2006-10-07T21:57:00.000-04:00

I was going to let the staff of The Far North End spread the word about this, seeing as they were the ones who tipped off the Beat It, Nerd offices, but I haven't seen mention of it over there yet so I'm stealing his thunder: Ladies and gentlemen, can I interest you in Despair.com's Motivational Poster Generator!

If you're not familiar with Motivational Posters, you probably don't work in an office. Traditionally, they're black-bordered images of some tranquil or interesting scene, with one large word printed beneath the image, and smaller text about said word below that. For example (taken straight from a real M.P.), "Perserverance: What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve." Underneath a picture of a dude hanging off a cliff, no less. In short, they're the 21st century-equivalent of those "Hang In There" cat posters.

In retaliation, Despair.com launched its own line of "Demotivators," a.k.a. the Bizarro Superman version of M.P.s. Now, they've taken it one step further by letting YOU create whatever kind of motivational or demotivational poster you want -- sky's the limit, baby, and it's all free!

And yes, the ones that accompany this post are my own creations (click 'em for larger versions). Have fun making your own!

Dum Da Da Dum Da Da Dum Dum Da Da Dum Dum Dum Da Da Dum Dum Dum Dum

2006-10-06T20:12:00.000-04:00

So here's the thing: season 3 of Battlestar Galactica premieres tonight, and I'm pretty damn excited. Admiral Adama's really got his work cut out for him, that's for sure -- those Cylons don't fuck around!

And yeah, I know the new show doesn't use the original show's theme song, as arguably implied by this post's headline. Too bad. When I think BSG, I think that tune. Sue me if you don't like it.

Some Album Recommendations

2006-10-05T19:49:00.000-04:00

We've been doing a lot of music downloading lately at Beat It, Nerd -- all legal, of course -- and as with all things in life, some of it was good and some of it sucked. As a result, I have some fresh album recommendations for you. And though I didn't originally mean "fresh" in the old-school rap kind of way, I just now decided that it's exactly what I mean. So here we go:

• Alice Donut: Bucketfulls of Sickness and Horror in an Otherwise Meaningless Life (1989): The sophomore release from this punk-influenced NYC band known for its noisily harmonic music and love-him-or-hate-him lead singer. Though "known" probably isn't the right word, 'cause they're not a particularly well-known band. Regardless, this album saw the Donut evolve from a novelty song-type band into a bona fide artistic force. If you like Sonic Youth, Pussy Galore, maybe even the Butthole Surfers, you'll probably enjoy this... if you can get past Thomas Antona's voice. I can, but then again I think Johnny Rotten is the greatest rock singer ever. Really. 4 out of 5 thumbs up.

• Gogol Bordello: Gypsy Punks - Underdog World Strike (2005): If you're not familiar with Gogol Bordello, they offer a fusion of traditional eastern European music, rock, dance and dub. And their lead singer/mastermind Eugene Hutz sports a ridiculously bushy mustache. That said, this isn't some kind of goofy front on the band's part; it's primarily comprised of eastern European immigrants. If you're looking for something decidedly different, you can't go wrong here. Fun album! 4 out of 5 thumbs up.

• Peter Tosh: Equal Rights (1977): Another sophomore release! I was never really into reggae -- where I come from, it's goddamn hippie music -- but have been playing around with it of late. Some of it, especially the political stuff, ain't bad. And few come more political than Tosh. He's got some crazy sounds going on with the bass and presumably synthesizers here, especially on "Stepping Razor" and his take on "Get Up, Stand Up," which rules all over the Wailers' version. We'll call it even at 4 out of 5 thumbs up.

• AC/DC: Kicked in the Teeth Again (1977) & Rarities VIII (1978): Yes, I saved the best for last. These bootleg releases -- which again, I obtained in a completely legal manner -- document live Bon Scott-era recordings in San Francisco, CA on 9/2/77 and Columbus, OH on 9/10/78, respectively. Both capture what became, for a time, the World's Greatest Rock 'n' Roll Band, before they became that band, rocking hard enough to tear a hole in the space-time continuum. Unfortunately, Kicked suffers from bad sound quality, and Rarities appears to have been pieced together from multiple sources (including radio broadcasts), but that won't stop me from giving both of 'em 5 out of 5 thumbs up!

That's it for now. Oh, and a big "Sa-lute!" to the good people at The Far North End for a hot tip about one of these, the identity of which will remain hidden to protect the innocent. Ciao, babies.

Don't Worry, I'm Not Dead

2006-10-03T21:27:00.000-04:00

Hey, what's up. Been awhile, huh? Yeah, I've been busy. Family was in town, plus I got a new cell phone -- the Sanyo "Katana." I.E., Sprint's version of the ubiquitous "Razr." Only we use all our vowels here in Sprint Country.

A new piece of technology, or god forbid a video game, is guaranteed to sap my interest in all other extracurricular activities for at least a week, as was the case this time. If it'd been a grade-A new video game, you might not have heard from me for a month. You've been warned.

But anyways, the phone: it's pretty sweet. Should you be in the market for a new phone, and are a Sprint customer, or don't mind switching to Sprint, I strongly recommend the Katana. For one, it has a cool name. It flips open, which is a feature the Star Trek fan in me demands of all cell phones. And it's ridiculously slim.* I think it might even be two-dimensional. More importantly, though, conversations sound great on both ends, and it has unbelievably good reception. In fact, I was using it while putting clothes in the dryer in the laundry room of my apartment building's basement, and the call was still clear as a bell!

That said, if you're a phone-gadget fiend, this is not the model for you; a web browser and a VGA camera (no video) is all it offers.

Still, it's perfect for my needs. Strange thing is, it's not the phone I set out to buy: the one I really wanted was the Samsung A640. Why? It looks just like Spock's coffin from Wrath of Khan! Plus, it has a '70s-style external display that only shows red & blue colors, making it a cell phone that would've been right at home on the Death Star. But, Sprint stopped selling it the day before I went to buy one -- apparently the reception was shit. B-Side wins again!

And no, I don't sleep in Star Trek sheets. Or Star Wars. Get a life, man.

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* The downside to this is, Sanyo felt it necessary to print "ultraslim mobile phone" on the phone's exterior. Thank christ they didn't build my car or it would say "small fuel efficient car" across the hood.

Northerners Are Weird, Hive-Like

2006-09-25T19:30:00.000-04:00

Huh. I was tipped off to this by Jane via Gawker: NetFlix has a feature called "Local Favorites," which lets you see the most popular rentals in your area... or any area in the U.S.! Well, any "area" that's a major city.

The thing that struck me about Manhattan's Top 10 is that so many of the movies are New York-centric. I know it's the "greatest city on earth" and all, but one would think one wouldn't mind being transported to other places via cinema every now and again. The same was true to an extent for the other NY boroughs, but Manhattanites really take it to an extreme.

So I say to myself, "Self, ain't no way Baltimorons can be this proud of their environs -- that place is the city equivalent of a zombie!" But lo and behold... the Baltimore NetFlix Top 10!:

1. Liberty Heights
2. The Corner (2-Disc Series)
3. Avalon
4. The Wire: Season 2 (5-Disc Series)
5. L'Auberge Espagnole
6. A Dirty Shame
7. Hairspray
8. G
9. Homicide: Life on the Street: Seasons 1 & 2 (4-Disc Series)
10. Steve Harvey: Don't Trip, He Ain't Through with Me Yet

Gah! 10 movies (or TV shows), and at least seven are directly related to Charm City! By now, I'm panicking -- could it be that anyone who lives in a city is so in love with said city that all they want to watch are movies about the city?!? Feeling woozy, I tested my home state's two biggest cities:

Miami, FL
1. The Waiting List (Lista de Espera)
2. Bitter Sugar (Azúcar amarga)
3. Marc Anthony: Concert from Madison Square Garden
4. Guantanamera
5. For Love or Country
6. Strawberry & Chocolate (Fresa y Chocolate)
7. Secuestro Express (Kidnap Express)
8. The Dark Side of the Heart
9. Conversaciones con Mama
10. Balseros

Orlando, FL
1. Forest of the Dead
2. Star Wars: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi: Original Theatrical Version
3. Meet the Browns
4. Why Did I Get Married?
5. Somewhere in Time
6. Eurotrip
7. Star Wars: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back: Original Theatrical Version
8. Pink Floyd: Pulse (2-Disc Series)
9. Three Kings
10. HellBent

Whoa! Look at all the goddamn variety down there! And not a single flick about the cities they live in! Now those are some reasonable, sane people!

God bless Florida. I surely do miss it at times.

Willie Nelson Has Earned The Right To Smoke The Occasional Bong

2006-09-23T22:41:00.000-04:00

It's surely not easy to be a classic country singer these days. Johnny Cash? Dead. Hank Williams Jr.? Accused of choking a woman with the improbable name of Holly Hornbeak. And Willie Nelson? Hit with four misdemeanor drug citations after a "routine"* traffic stop turned up a beatnik's paradise-worth of marijuana and psilocybin mushrooms on his legendary tour bus.

Not particularly shocking, considering how open Nelson has always been about his drug use. But it does underscore the utter ridiculousness of making certain all-natural drugs illegal. I'm not a doctor, lawyer or psychologist, so I don't feel qualified to speak on the many medical, legal and social fallacies involved. That said, I know a victim when I see one, and I fail to see one in a case that involves four old people smoking weed and doing 'shrooms on the back of a bus. And if there's no victim, why is it slowing down the courts and infringing on the accused's pursuit of happiness?

Besides, if Hank Williams Jr. can get away with choking waitresses, Willie should certainly be allowed to get stoned. He's Willie fucking Nelson!

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* Can a traffic stop involving Willie Nelson's tour bus, or any tour bus, really be considered routine? A Toyota Camry, that's routine. A tour bus, not so much.

Greetings From The Future

2006-09-22T20:32:00.000-04:00

L'chaim. I'm from the year 5767, and I'm telling you it's great here. The air is clean. The water's clean. Even the dirt is clean. Bowling scores are way up. Mini-golf scores are way down. And we have more excellent water slides than any other planet we communicate with.

Ha! Just kidding. I'm not from the future; I'm Jewish. Rather, half my family's Jewish, but I was raised Catholic. Long story. Another long story is Rosh Hashanah, which started at sundown tonight, meaning it's now the year 5767 as far as non-goyim are concerned. So, Happy New Year! Unless you're a nazi. We dropped you bastards from our Friends & Family list a long time ago.

p.s. I must admit that most of my lede was swiped from another source. If you know which one, you are a well-cultured individual. Sa-lute!

Man, I Really Worked Blue Last Night

2006-09-20T21:42:00.000-04:00

Oh my. I just looked over last night's drunken defense of Bocephus, and it even made me blush. Sure am glad I haven't told Mom about this site.

If any regular readers were offended, please accept my most heartfelt apologies. I mean it. You deserve better. You liberal motherfucking decent human beings, you.

But hey, speaking of working blue, how about that boxer The Smurf, huh? Get it? Smurf? Blue? Yeah. Alright, I'm getting out before I fall any further behind. Later.

Hank Williams Jr. Has Earned The Right To Choke The Occasional Bitch

2006-09-19T23:30:00.000-04:00

Alright. I'll be honest with you. I was out drinking tonight. That's right, "into my cups" as they say. An old, old friend -- like, since elementary school-old -- was visiting, and he leaves town tomorrow, so we had a good old-fashioned pub crawl before he hit the road. Don't worry about me though; I told my boss I was coming in an hour late tomorrow before I left work tonight. Plus, he and I are now old men so I was home well before midnight, as you can see by this post.

That's right, old men. Or at least, sailing into middle age. It happens. As the wag who runs Superficial.com (or was it WWTDD.com?) recently said: "Hey time, fuck you."

But look, that's not the point. Point is, my main man Hank Williams, Jr. is back in the news, this time 'cause the latest bullshit lawsuit against him is moving forward. Unless you live in a cave, you already know the deal: Bocephus is accused of choking some waitress, amongst other indignities he allegedly foisted on her. But you know what? Fuck that waitress. And before you get all, "Hey you misogynistic motherfucker!" on me, let me assure you I'd say the same thing if it was a waiter.

Why? What the fuck has that waitress ever brought to the table that can outshine Bocephus' accomplishments, that's why. Huh? Tell me that. Did she write "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight?" "Country Boy Can Survive?" Is she Hank fucking Williams fucking Jr.? Is she the son of motherfucking Hank Williams? Or is she just some dumb piece of shit who won't be remembered 3 fucking weeks after she's dead?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not calling for carte blanche for all celebrities. What I am saying is, there are regular people, there are celebrities (a club that any halfwit can join), and there are icons, and Randall Hank Williams is certainly the latter. And if an icon wants to choke one of us regular people every now and again? Well, fuck. I'd certainly say Hank motherfucking Williams fucking Jr. has earned that motherfucking right. Wouldn't you?

Alright, so I'm kidding about most of this post. Not when it comes to my undying loyalty to any member of the Hank Williams family, though. Besides, you should see the look on your face right now, you liberal motherfucking decent human being. Haw haw on you, madame or sir. Haw haw on you.

New iTunes = HOT

2006-09-16T09:51:00.000-04:00

Well blow me down! If you're a regular iTunes user like the staff at Beat It, Nerd, then you've probably already downloaded the latest update. If not, I'd recommend you do so immediately.

Unlike the last update, there are some big graphical upgrades with this one. For one, you don't have to manually add album art for songs that you don't buy from the iTunes Music Store -- there's a new option that will automatically find art for just about any album under the sun! Plus, there are two new "view" options; instead of just looking at an endless list of tunes, you can: a) view all songs by album, with the album art displayed to the left of each album's track listing, or b) use the new "cover browser," which puts a big window above the song tracks. In the center of this window is the album you're listening to, with the previous and next albums to the left and right, respectively. Kind of like looking at a jukebox! Sweet!

iTunes' new "grouped by album" view -- click it for a larger image!

The "jukebox" view -- click this one for a bigger version, too!

And no, Apple didn't pay me for this post. I wish. Those who know where I work know I could use the money.

UPDATE: Sweet! The iPod-interface features are super-upgraded, too! Bon scottetite!

Suck It You Rodian Dirtball

2006-09-12T21:53:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so I was one of the lemmings who gave yet more money to George "I'm Both Morally and Creatively Bankrupt" Lucas today, so I could get my hands on the first-ever official DVD release of the original Star Wars and Return of the Jedi. Not Empire Strikes Back, though; I have no complaints about any of the Special Edition changes in that flick.

Is it insulting to have to buy the Special Editions that I just bought last year all over again to get the original versions? Of course. So are most things in life. But it is pretty sweet seeing Han shoot first again, the way Allah intended. Not to mention that funky wolfman dude in the cantina. And no more goddamn extended dance party at Jabba's palace in Jedi. Amen.

Five Years Later And We Still Haven't Caught Them

2006-09-11T15:15:00.000-04:00

Outrageous!

Yes, Whither The Hobo Code?

2006-09-10T18:52:00.000-04:00

Looks like hobo towns are back in a big way in Ohio. In fact, a new one on the Ohio River's north shore is threatening a tri-state event called "Tall Stacks" (if you know what Tall Stacks is, please don't tell me; I prefer to think it's a pancake-eating contest).

An estimated 20 homeless people have set up camp in makeshift shelters made of plastic sheets, string, old cable spools and carpet remnants along the Ohio River's northern shore just west of the Roebling Suspension Bridge.

These aren't Andy Griffith Show-style hobos, either. No. These swine shit in their own nest and fight each other like wolves!

Several piles of feces, some with toilet paper stuck to them, were evident along the downriver walkway of the bridge at the Cincinnati end of the span Friday. There was also a strong urine smell there.

[...]

Sgt. Steve Saunders, a Cincinnati police District One community outreach officer, said the group living there has developed a reputation for being violent with one another, especially after drinking too much.

Wow -- Americans living like animals down by the river, without even the luxury of a van! Some might see that as a real indictment of our country's direction. Not Cincinnati Vice Mayor Jim Tarbell, though.

Traditionally, [the homeless] have migrated to "quaint" riverside settings, but have abided by an unwritten code of conduct, [Tarbell] said.

Nowadays, that code seems to have disappeared, he lamented.

"It doesn't mean that you accept or any way support bad behavior," he said. "It's one thing to have a camp on the river, it's another thing to (pee) on someone's shoe."

That's right, you goddamn bums! If you don't stop pissing on people's shoes and return to the Hobo Code in a goddamn hurry, there'll be no more quaint riverside Hobo Town for you, got it? No more trash can fires, no more bean cans, no more Thunderbird -- nothing. Don't make Vice Mayor Tarbell tell you again!

Look On My Works, Ye Mighty, And Despair

2006-09-09T00:35:00.000-04:00

The U.S. government -- my government, baby -- is putting a new spin on that old Shelley saw, according to a report in Wired:

A half-mile below the surface of the New Mexico desert, the federal government is interring thousands of tons of monstrously dangerous leftovers from its nuclear weapons program -- plutonium-infested clothing, tools and chemical sludge that will remain potentially lethal for thousands of years to come.

It may be safely secured now, but how to keep our descendants centuries in the future from accidentally unearthing it?

That's the question posed by the Waste Isolation Pilot Plant, the nation’s only underground repository for military-generated radioactive waste.

To address it, the Department of Energy convened a conclave of scientists, linguists, anthropologists and sci-fi thinkers to develop an elaborate system intended to shout "Danger!" to any human being for the next 10,000 years -- regardless of what language they speak or technology they use.

Storing nuclear leftovers underground? That's awesome that New Mexico doesn't have any groundwater or anything. Otherwise, di-a-bolical. As for the plan itself, I recommend putting The Robot from Lost in Space on the job. No one expresses "Danger!" better than that dude. Not once his arms start flapping.

Why Yes, I Am Ready For Some Football

2006-09-07T19:48:00.000-04:00

At least I was until the stupid Pittsburgh Steelers had to go and ruin the season opener. Enjoy it while you can, Steeler fans. You probably live in the Pittsburgh area, which means you have a higher-than-average chance of contracting cancer at some point in your life. Suck on that while you gloat over your meaningless regular season victory!

Oh, and remember, Daunte: you want to pass to the guys wearing white, aqua & coral. Not black & yellow. Got it? I don't want to have this discussion again next week.

I'm Off The TV Wagon

2006-09-06T21:40:00.000-04:00

So El Hombre Cable stopped by on Sunday, and I now have hundreds of channels from which to choose. Not to mention free HBO and "Starz" (the "z" shows they're hep, I guess) for a year. This comes after nearly two years without cable. Even though that dry spell was by choice, I've been binging like a m'f'er the last two days.

What can I say? I like MythBusters. Daily Show. The O'Reilly Factor and Hannity & Colmes (both for ironic reasons). And I'm looking forward to being able to watch the next season of Battlestar Galactica as it's released, instead of waiting for the fershlugginer DVD set. Not to mention whatever HBO shows come out over the next year. But what I really love about cable is the abundance of classic TV -- The Jeffersons, Magnum P.I., Hawaii 5-0, Kojak, All in the Family, Charles in Charge (highly underrated; Buddy Lembeck was comedy gold!), not to mention Star Trek. Ooh, and Happy Days. And hours and hours and hours of Cops. They're all there, like old friends you haven't spent time with in awhile.

Wait a second, "old friends?" Sweet jesus, that's pathetic. I'm off to punch a quadriplegic hooker to make up for it. But first, maybe an episode of Entourage from OnDemand. Ta-ta.

Like You Couldn't See That One Coming

2006-09-04T08:08:00.000-04:00

Crikey! Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin got killed by one of the many deadly animals with which he was always fucking!

CAIRNS, Australia - Steve Irwin, the hugely popular Australian television personality and conservationist known as the “Crocodile Hunter,” was killed Monday by a stingray while filming off the Great Barrier Reef. He was 44.

[...]

“He came on top of the stingray and the stingray’s barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart,” said Stainton, who was on board Irwin’s boat at the time.

Yow, a stingray's barb right through the ol' ticker! Hell of a way to go, considering that most people die in bed or at the hands of another human. And at least he was spared the ultimate irony. If you need me to explain what the ultimate irony would be in this situation, then maybe you'd be better off reading a different blog; we move pretty fast around here.

As for the stingray, I can only imagine that crocodiles are already crafting songs and other works of art in its honor. Like, if there's a croc version of Jim Croce, then Jim Crocodoce is right now at this minute writing "Bad, Bad Leroy Stingray." Dude will probably even get knighted by the grand Crocodile King himself.

Steve Irwin, R.I.P.
"Don't Fear The Reaper"

Roll Over Beethoven, Tell Tchaikovsky The News

2006-09-03T10:50:00.000-04:00

Ha! Remember that long-standing wisdom that classical music helps people do better in school, a.k.a. The Mozart Effect? Well, my new main men Drs. Rilby & Caldwell are all like, "Guess what, hombres? So does the sweet, sweet sound of rock 'n' roll!"

Thanks to Scotland's Glasgow Caledonian University, The Mozart Effect shall henceforth be known as The Hendrix Effect.

I'm not sure how valid this study was, though; they used Steve Vai as rock's representative. Don't get me wrong. He was cool in Ralph Macchio's Crossroads and all, but I wouldn't be able to concentrate on shit if someone was forcing me to listen to Surfing with the Alien. And considering they had motherf'ing Beethoven repping for Team Classical, it's kind of like a boxing match between Mike Tyson and a retarded 10-year-old. I'm amazed rock did as well as it did!

Ugh

2006-09-03T10:13:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so as of today I'm 36. Thirty-six! Not recommended if you can avoid it, though I suppose the only known alternative is far, far worse.

In honor of this momentous occassion, today's playlist shall only consist of tunes released on or before my date of birth. It started with my perennial musical birthday starter, the Beatles' "Birthday," followed by the number one song on the day I was born (Edwin Starr's "War"), and now we're into Creedence's Bayou Country. Sweet jesus, that's a good album. In fact, I defy you to listen to CCR's cover of "Good Golly Miss Molly" and not contract a bad case of the boogie woogie flu.

Unfortunately, this whole "nothing after I was born" mandate means I'll hear plenty of hippie music before the day is through. Good thing such notable exceptions as Black Sabbath, the Stooges, the Velvet Underground and a few others were around back then, or this might not be doable.

Oh, and did I mention that the cable man is coming today? That's right, I somehow wound up with a cable appointment on my birthday. On a Sunday, no less. The Sunday before Labor Day. Bear in mind I've never gone to school or work on September 3 in my life, because The Man does not get access to me on my birthday, and this comes dangerously close to breaking that streak.

Maybe I'll wear one of those pointy birthday party hats the whole time the cable dude is here, and repeatedly point out that it's my birthday. Then I'll ask him if he brought me any cake, and look confused when he says he didn't.

"But," I'll say, "it's my birthday..."

Awesome Chili Recipe For Those Who Like It Hot

2006-09-02T12:08:00.000-04:00

Shelton here, reporting live from my apartment on the Baltimore area's third gray and second rainy day in a row. (Though it now looks like it might be clearing up.) To beat the gloom, I declared today Chili Day, and when I declare a Chili Day, you can bet your socks that things are going to get hot and spicy. So I figured I'd share my time-tested chili recipe with you fine folks, but beware: it's hot!

Shelton's Awesome Hot Motherf'ing Chili

NOTE: If you're having Shelton's Awesome Hot Motherf'ing Chili for dinner, be sure to start cooking around 11:30 a.m. Which means about 5:30 a.m. if you want it for lunch. If you plan on having it for breakfast, well shit. I like your style, but that's crazy.

Ingredients:
* a little more than a pound of ground beef (or ground turkey if you prefer killing turkeys; tofu need not apply)
* 1 package of HOT chili seasoning mix
* 2 8-oz. cans of tomato sauce
* 4 green jalapenos
* 4 red jalapenos (these may have a different technical name, but I call them "red jalapenos")
* 2 habaneros (orange in color)
* 1 shot of whiskey (or more, if you want some for yourself)
* Note the complete lack of beans. If you even so much as think about putting beans in your chili then you're no longer making Shelton's Awesome Hot Motherf'ing Chili, and maybe you'd be better off getting recipes from Betty Crocker.

Directions:
* Pour the contents of the tomato sauce cans, the shot of whiskey and the chili seasoning pack into a mid-sized sauce pot, mix them up, and set the burner on "MED."
* Brown your beef. I can not overstress the importance of this step. I also recommend seasoning the beef with garlic & pepper while it's browning.
* Make absolutely sure you've done the first part of the last step. Seriously. I refuse to be held responsible if you don't.
* While the beef is browning, slice up your peppers: green jalapenos first, than the habaneros, then the red jalapenos. After you finish slicing each type, dump it into the sauce pot. Also, as you dump each type into the pot, be sure to loudly say, "Here comes the [green/orange/red]!" This is important, trust me.
* By the time you're done adding the peppers to the sauce, your beef should more or less be done. When it's ready, drain the fat, dry the meat off, then dump it into the sauce. When you add it, be sure to shout, "And finally, the brown!"
* Mix vigorously. If things look a little dry, fill one of the tomato sauce cans with water and add it in. (The water, not the can.)
* Bring the chili to a boil, mixing regularly. Once it boils, reduce the heat to a nice simmer.
* Mix it once every hour, on the hour, for a minimum of six hours. And for god's sake keep it covered!
* Time to eat! Serves 1 to 4 in any container you feel like putting it in. Also great right out of the pot! Be sure to have plenty of bread and water onhand before you dig in, though.

Last but not least, enjoy!

Good Things About Comic Books #2

2006-08-31T21:47:00.000-04:00

Man, we've really been on a music kick here at Beat It, Nerd, haven't we? And yes, I mean "we" in the royal sense. Screw you if you don't like it.

Here's something that oughta cheer you up, though -- some quality time with the subject of tonight's GTaCB:

JUDGE DREDD!

First appearing in the pages of England's 2000 AD, Judge Dredd -- better known as Joe to his close, personal friends, of which he has none -- has been patrolling the mean streets of Mega-City One since 1977. And make no mistake: He is the law!

If all you know about Dredd comes from that shitty Sly Stallone flick, then you don't know Dredd. Simple as that. For one thing, the real Judge Dredd never takes off his helmet. Ever. Okay, he did once, but they drew a "censored" bar over his face. Sly Stallone? Dude spent 9/10ths of the movie with his helmet off! What the hell is that about?

Plus, the real Dredd wears preposterously large shoulder pads. Sly's looked quite manageable, and his gloves and boots weren't green, either. I'd like to know who he thought he was fooling with that nonsense.

And don't even get me started on the whole "Judge Dredd getting a girlfriend" thing. I half expected the Easter Bunny to come hopping across the screen at that point. Might as well shoot for the moon once you've gone that far!

No, the real Dredd is nothing like the buffoon Hollywood gave us. The real Dredd is a fascist through and through, and cares for nothing save punishing the guilty. If you commit a crime in his presence -- any crime, no matter how small -- you will receive the maximum sentence allowed by law. And if that sentence is death? So much the better as far as he's concerned; it's one less perp crowding the streets!

All of which makes Judge Dredd a Good Thing about Comic Books. Sa-lute!

Stabbed For WHAT?!?

2006-08-30T22:21:00.000-04:00

Sweet mother of christ, what kind of animals would do such a thing?! It's insanity! Look, even Angus is crying about it, and he's not the type of guy who cries easily.

A teenager who was stabbed in the eye during her school lunch break said a "gang mentality" singled out pupils for their music and fashion tastes.

[...]

"Somebody asked me on the first day what kind of music I listened to, so I said AC/DC."

She said that, as a result of this, she was told she was a "metaler" and found herself being shunned by other classmates.

This never would've happened under Bon Scott's watch. Everyone loved AC/DC back then. Everyone!

Blast From The Past

2006-08-30T21:00:00.000-04:00

First, the embarrassing part. I've been listening to Fleetwood Mac almost exclusively for the past couple days. That's right, the Mac. Not their early, blues-driven stuff either. No. I'm talking Mick Fleetwood, John & Christine McVie, Lindsey Buckingham & Stevie Nicks. The sleazy, cocaine-driven, lover-swapping Fleetwood Mac and Rumours period. It was disgusting. Pleasurably disgusting, but disgusting nonetheless.

So tonight, as penance, I told myself, "Self, enough of this Fleetwood Mac shit. It's rotting our brain. For christ's sake, bust out some punk rock before we go crazy." I didn't have to tell myself twice, and immediately remembered something I'd been meaning to do for months: track down legendary punk band Flipper's equally legendary debut album, Album - Generic Flipper. (I do own a copy, but it's on vinyl, and my vinyl resides some 16 hours away.) Within an hour I had all but one track -- which I'm still looking for -- and kids, I'm pleased to say this disc is every bit as good as I remembered!

Beat It, Nerd gives Flipper's Album a coveted 5 out of 5 stars.

If you know nothing about Flipper, you can read more about them at Wikipedia. As for their sound, it was a very heavy, very chaotic affair, and definitely not for the weak of heart. I hate making "tastes like chicken"-type comparisons, but if you're into that kind of thing then they were like early Sonic Youth mixed with the Germs. Henceforth, they'll be known to me as the anti-Fleetwood Mac.

Interesting note about Album: It was released in 1982. In 1986, Public Image Ltd. (led by former Sex Pistol Johnny Rotten/Lydon) released an album called, ahem, Album. That was the name for its vinyl version, with the cassette and CD versions being called Cassette and Compact Disc, respectively. Though the packaging looked nothing like Flipper's Album -- but did look like all the generic products in 1984's Repo Man flick -- the concept similarity was close enough that Flipper retaliated with the double-live Public Flipper Limited. True story!

Goddamn I Hate Being An Agent Of The Man

2006-08-29T23:01:00.000-04:00

Nothing but a half-assed post for you fine readers. Why? Because I had to do employee evaluations tonight. Why? Because I'm in low-middle management. Why? Because I goofed off too much in college, barely graduating with a "C" average in English. English! What the hell was I thinking?!

Whatever. For the record, college was a blast. Writing employee evaluations? Not so much.

As with most things business-related, it seems these evaluations were a lot easier back in the 1970s. Boss calls dude/dudette into his office around raise time, and one of two things happens: A) The boss says, "Schmitty, you're doing a swell job -- you're getting a raise!" or B) The boss says, "Schmitty, you're really stinking up the place -- no raise for you!" No paperwork, no decimal-pointed scoring systems, no bullshit.

Plus, if it were still the '70s a guy with my job could afford to buy a house. Good luck doing that now, guy!

Awesome Album Covers #2

2006-08-28T21:14:00.000-04:00

I won't lie to you: I've been on a Pink Floyd kick lately. It was spurred by a recent report about late Floyd co-founder Syd Barrett's useless crap being auctioned off, and culminated in me finally getting the last piece of what I consider the Floyd Canon*: Music from the Film 'More', a.k.a More. Not a Syd album, true, but I already had those. And for the record, More is every bit as excellent as I remembered it being back in college; The Wall isn't fit to wipe its ass.

Anyhow, if the above leads you to believe that tonight's Awesome Album Cover will come from the Floyd family, then your senses serve you well. Problem is, while the stuff inside Floyd records is almost always gold, the covers often leave much to be desired. Especially when you're dealing with covers from their Golden Age (read: everything pre-Dark Side of the Moon. What can I say, I'm old school).

Fortunately, there's one from that period that meets Awesome Album Covers' strict criteria. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

Pink Floyd's
Atom Heart Mother!

What words could I possibly type that could match the confusion generated by running down to your local record store to drop your hard-earned allowance on the first new Pink Floyd release of the 1970s, only to be greeted by this grade-A Holstein? (And no, I'm not old enough to have done that.)

None, my friends. Which is why Atom Heart Mother has an Awesome Album Cover! Sa-lute!

----------
* All the non-greatest hits studio albums from The Piper at the Gates of Dawn through The Wall, and that last one is just one bad note from being added to my "apocryphal" list.

The Avenging Stamp, Part II

2006-08-27T15:53:00.000-04:00

Well, looks like fans are speculating their asses off as to what images will be used on these Marvel stamps. In fact, one of them even came up with his/her own Spider-Woman stamp designs. Following his lead, and stealing his stamp template, I whipped up the following suggestions for the Post Master General re: Sub-Mariner's first-class postage. First up are the two I'd go with if I had my druthers:

Nice, huh? For the cover, we have a classic Silver Age "Angry Namor," attacking the terrified masses of downtown Manhattan, with a solo image lifted from John Buscema's cover to 1968's Sub-Mariner (vol. 2) #1. Of course, The Powers That Be will probably balk at the idea of a stamp depicting a Speedo-clad madman attacking New York City, so we have the following alternatives:

Not too shabby! The iconic Buscema image is still included (and presented in all its glory), while the solo version captures Namor at his angriest. That said, all four of these ignore Subby's Golden Age career, so here's a couple for the real old-timers in the crowd:

Yow! Sub-Mariner "running wild," and a triangle-headed solo shot to boot! What more could you ask for? True, some Nazis in the cover shot would be nice, but there's something about that "Runs Wild!" cover that can't be beat.

The Avenging Stamp

2006-08-27T12:29:00.000-04:00

Sweet f'ing mercy! Newsarama reports that Marvel Comics will get its own line of USPS stamps in 2007, following the DC Comics stamps released earlier this year. What amazes me is that Sub-Mariner made the list. Sub-Mariner!!!

Not only is he on it, but he beat out such characters as Daredevil, Dr. Strange, Thor, and a ton of other more recognizable faces. Which is fine by me, 'cause Sub-Mariner is one of my all-time faves, and will no doubt be the focus of an upcoming "Good Things about Comic Books." Imperius motherf'ing Rex, indeed!

Anyways, here's the full list:

• Spider-Man
• The Incredible Hulk
• Sub-Mariner, a.k.a. Prince Namor, a.k.a. the Avenging Son of Atlantis, a.k.a. the Dude Who Will Kick Your Ass If You Make Fun Of His Foot Wings -- Imperius Rex!
• The Thing
• Captain America
• Silver Surfer
• Spider-Woman
• Iron Man
• Elektra
• Wolverine

And note that each of the characters gets two stamps: one of the hero itself, and another featuring one of the hero's most memorable comic book covers. Two street-legal Sub-Mariner stamps! Who could've predicted that?! As for Subby's cover, I'm voting for this one. Why? Because! When was the last time you saw someone giving it to the Nazis on a U.S. stamp? Never? Then it's about time!

Those Who Can, Write; Those Who Can't, Write

2006-08-27T09:06:00.000-04:00

Fellow On Time!-er The Far North End has tipped me off to horrible new technology that might make it possible for people to type by thinking. I call bullshit on that, as there are already far too many people writing who have no business doing so. Anyone who's ever taken a creative writing course in college can tell you that.

Unless you were one of the people in the class who couldn't write. In which case you were probably amazed by the high levels of writing talent found at your college. Idiot.

Fact is, just as with illustration, music and other art forms, some people have the talent to write, and some don't. No amount of classroom hours or practice will make a difference if you're in the latter camp. Yet writing seems to attract a higher number of "can't but think they can" types than any of its peers. Must be the easy-to-use interface and lack of required special equipment, especially with the rise of free online publishing. "Can'ts" don't chase dreams of being violinists for long, that's for sure.

If there was just some way to prove my point. Like, a website used by millions of people who think they can write when it's painfully obvious they cannot. You know, some place on the Web where people could leave "logs" about their daily lives for others to read. I bet that would attract bad writers in droves.

Ah well, guess you folks will just have to take my word for it. Shelton out.

Interesting Numbers

2006-08-26T09:44:00.000-04:00

Morning kids. Have you ever checked out the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) website? There's some interesting data available there. For example, I just found out that only 22 music groups/solo artists are in the "50 Mil" club -- meaning, have sold more than 50 million units in the U.S. (I'm sure the number goes up worldwide, but I didn't find that chart yet).

You can find the whole list of top U.S. artists here. Strange stuff, no? Nice to see my boys Pink Floyd and AC/DC representing in the Top 10, but I didn't realize they were both bigger sellers than the Rolling Stones at #11. Other highlights:

• U2 and Kenny Rogers have the exact same levels of consumer appeal. Take that, Bono!

• Why is Michael Jackson ever referred to by his self-appointed "King of Pop" title when Billy Joel and Elton John also sing pop and have sold more records than him?

• How is it that Garth Brooks outsells George Strait by a 2-to-1 margin, and how is he the #3 best-selling artist of all time? And why hasn't Johnny Cash outsold them both combined? What the hell is wrong with you mainstream country fans?

Also of note are groups that didn't make the chart at all, especially considering that the cut-off is 10.5 million albums. You're telling me there aren't at least 10.5 million Americans (in a country of nearly 290 million) who have bought at least one Ramones album in the past 30 years? Preposterous!

Awesome Album Covers #1

2006-08-25T22:18:00.000-04:00

Here's a second recurring feature for you Beat It, Nerd readers: Awesome Album Covers! There's been a damn lot of them, and we're going to start things off with one of my faves -- and one you may have overlooked:

Bob Dylan's
John Wesley Harding!

If you're not already familiar with this seemingly normal album cover, you're probably saying to yourself, "What the hell's so awesome about that? Looks pretty boring to me, you dipshit." At a distance, sure. But lets zoom into that center picture, shall we?

What the? I mean, that's Dylan in the middle, sure enough... but who are the rest of those guys?! Is that his band? Was he jamming with an Indian dude, an old guy and Horatio Sanz's dad on this record? And is that cowbow hat at the bottom resting on something, or is a midget wearing it? All I know is, I wouldn't know what to do if I opened my door one day and found these geeks waiting on the other side.

Unfortunately, those dudes weren't his band, but it doesn't stop John Wesley Harding from having an Awesome Album Cover! Sa-lute!

I've Found A New Favorite Bar

2006-08-25T21:49:00.000-04:00

Shelton here, reporting live from my living room after drinks with some co-workers at my new favorite bar: the one in the Holiday Inn behind my office building. Yeah, that's right, I said "in the Holiday Inn." I know, I can hardly believe it myself.

But, shit. I'm not a young man anymore. I'll complete my 36th trip around the sun a week from Sunday, which means my tastes no longer run in the trendy direction. Then again, they never did; they've always run in the dive-y direction. Not anymore. Now when I need an after-work drink, I'll make a beeline to the Holiday Inn's Martini Bar, where the only thing more enticing than their 5-7 happy hour is the cocktail waitress, Alex.

That's right, Alex, which I can only assume is short for Alexia or something equally scintillating. This voluptuous brunette bombshell is from Romania, and is spending the summer in the U.S. on a work exchange program. What kind of work exchange program involves being a cocktail waitress at a Holiday Inn, I do not know. Nor do I care, presuming she keeps the drinks and legginess flowing.

Oh, and did I mention her outfit? Slinky black skirt approximately 2 sizes too small, inexplicably cut up the left side to a point that extends above the top of the skirt itself. Try wrapping your head around that. Then add in an satiny white shirt, also too small, showing ample bosom and belly. Yeah, exactly.

Sad part is, Alex has to go back to Romania in less than a month. But there's good news -- once she gets her degree in civil engineering, she's coming back to the U.S.! That's frikkin' awesome!

Wait. I just wrote nearly 300 words admitting that, on a Friday night, I went to a Holiday Inn with co-workers and ogled a Romanian cocktail waitress while downing $2.50 Heinekins. Well, buy the ticket take the ride, as Hunter Thompson once said. And with that, he pushed the "Publish Post" button.

Exclusive Interview With Daunte Culpepper

2006-08-24T21:38:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so the 2006 NFL season gets underway in just over two weeks, and the Miami Dolphins are once again looking like the team to beat. Moreover, the Super Bowl will be played in Miami this year, making the 'Phins a shoo-in to be the first-ever team to win a league championship in their home stadium. To get you prepped for all the coming excitement, Beat It, Nerd caught up with new Miami quarterback Daunte Culpepper for this hard-hitting interview:

Beat It, Nerd: Hey.

Daunte Culpepper: Hey.

BIN: So, uh, welcome to the Dolphins!

DC: Thanks.

BIN: No, thank you.

DC: [nods head]

BIN: So, how do you like the Dolphins' chances this year?

DC: I like them a lot. We're going to march on a road of bones, man. Heads will roll. Count on it.

BIN: Yeah, cool. Oh, and I see you switched to number eight. You know, after wearing number eleven in Minnesota.

DC: Naw, dawg. That ain't number eight. That's the infinity symbol.

BIN: Wait, the infinity symbol?

DC: Yep.

BIN: But that would make you...

DC: Right. Number Infinity.

BIN: Whoa.

DC: Uh-huh.

BIN: Is that even legal?

DC: Guess we'll find out, won't we?

There you have it, folks -- Daunte Culpepper, wearing the infinity symbol on his chest and not giving two shits if anyone finds out! Is this going to be a great season, or what?!?

Never Mind That Pop Candy Chick

2006-08-23T22:30:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so anyway, over at Beat It, Nerd's On Time! blog ring partner, The Far North End, they're singing the praises of USA Today's insufferable pop culture crone, Whitney Matheson. Nuts to her, I say. I'd as soon read Family Circus than her column.

Why? Because the woman stole Harvey Pekar's eyebrows!

See? Shameful. Just... shameful. And she's smirking about it!

(<--Whitney)

(Harvey-->)

Good Things About Comic Books #1

2006-08-22T21:56:00.000-04:00

Shelton here, launching an exciting new feature at Beat It, Nerd: “Good Things about Comic Books.” Unless you’re really stupid, you can probably guess the angle.

As a little background, I technically work in the funnybook biz -- but only at its most soulless, disinteresting level -- and have had an on-again, off-again relationship with the medium since I was 5 or so. So yeah, I’ve probably formed some opinions in that time. And because I’m quite self-absorbed, I think the rest of you can’t wait to hear them! So without further adieu, here’s GTaCB’s debut subject…

JUGHEAD JONES!

Born Forsythe Pendleton Jones, this felt crown-wearing funnyman has been the smirking, smart-alecky peanut butter to Archie Andrews’ nice-guy jelly since your dad was still in short pants. Or maybe since your granddad was still in short pants, whatever. That's not the point. The point is, Jughead rules, and there's a bunch of other slacker doofuses -- Maynard T. Krebs (and his cousin Gilligan), Norville "Shaggy" Rogers, Jeff Spicoli, et al -- who owe him a big debt of gratitude.

Take his legendary hamburger-eating ability, rivaled only by Wellington J. Wimpy and the aforementioned Norville Rogers. Or the cool way he flaunts authority! Or his skills with a paint brush! Shit, dude's even in the Time Police! That's purely off the hook!!!

Plus, the blog’s title was inspired by Jughead. Thanks to the AV Club’s excellent “Decade by Decade with Archie Comics,” I came across this little gem from when Jughead became a punk rocker in the '80s:

Needing a name for this blog, I thought of that line, but mis-remembered it as the one I went with. No matter, as I prefer "Beat it" to "Back off" anyhow, and it keeps me from being a total ripoff artist. But I digress. Getting back to the point...

Sa-lute, Jughead Jones! You’re a good thing about comic books!

A Damn Fine Abraham Lincoln Quote

2006-08-21T21:24:00.000-04:00

"Stand with anybody that stands right. Stand with him while he is right and part with him when he goes wrong."
-- Abe Lincoln

Alright, I'll come clean: for reasons that have nothing to do with this blog, Star Trek or Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, I've been thinking about ol' Honest Abe a good bit lately. In fact, the more observant amongst you might have noticed that, in my rant about all the free publicity for that new Samuel Jackson movie, a Google search for Abe was the first comparison I grabbed. What can I say? I like the cut of his jib.

Abe Lincoln took no shit from fools.

Take the above quote, part of a speech given on October 16, 1854, in Peoria, IL. It's Twainsian in its simple wisdom (or wise simplicity?), with just the hint of a barb thrown in for good measure. Only now that I think about it, Lincoln came before Twain, so maybe Twain's stuff should be considered Lincolnsian? Either way, I think the closest George W. Bush equivalent is "You are either with us or against us in the fight against terror." Which is really a Bizarro of Lincoln's quote; might for right vs. might makes right, and all that.

Bush, on the other hand, is a fool who gives shit to those who will take it.

But hey, I'm not here to talk politics. If you must know, I'm a socially liberal (even libertarian), fiscally conservative non-partisan voter who doesn't think the country should bomb anyone without a real damn good reason, and usually winds up voting Democrat because Republicans are against a lot of shit that I like and/or I think is wrong to be against. But if they stopped making each other richer and declaring war on hopeless 2nd/3rd-world cultures and ran a man like Abraham Lincoln again, well. I might just find myself pulling a GOP lever come election day.

Based on the current crop of Republican leaders, though, I put those chances at slightly lower than that of the Vatican okaying abortion clinics at Catholic churches. I wouldn't bet on it is what I'm saying, and I'm thinking Abe Lincoln wouldn't, either.

Oh Dear Sweet Jesus It's Hot

2006-08-20T18:58:00.000-04:00

After a day spent out and about to avoid the harsh reality of a still-broken air conditioner, I'm back at my top secret base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs, where things have been upgraded from "hot" to "broiling." Not good.

Those who know me know I love to dwell on things that piss me off, so just to make myself feel crazy I'm going to go over the facts of the situation for the folks at home:

1) At some point on the night of July 17, my A/C broke the first time. No biggie, I thought. I've been living here 3 1/2 years, so it was bound to happen. First thing the next morning I call it into Hendersen-Webb's maintenance line, at which point I'm told "it will definitely be fixed [that day]."

2) I come home from work "that day," and the A/C wasn't fixed. In fact, no one from maintenance had even been in the apartment. (They always leave green calling cards/notes when they enter your pad.) I call maintenance again. I'm apologized to, and am assured it will be fixed the next day.

3) "The next day" comes and go with a repeat of the first day. I'm starting to feel all Bill Murray in Groundhog Day-ish.

4) Finally, on the day after the next day, maintenance comes. They don't fix the air conditioner -- it needed a new compressor, which had to be ordered -- but at least they were there.

5) On the fourth day, everything's finally fixed. Sure, it took a little longer than I might've hoped, but at least the deed was done.

6) Or so I thought. About three weeks later, on the night of Saturday, August 12, it breaks again. Good thing Hendersen-Webb has emergency weekend maintenance service, I thought. Ha! Turns out that you need to be on a special "medical emergency" list to get your A/C fixed on a weekend. Great. So I wait till Monday morning, and call maintenance again.

7) Remember #1 & #2? Yeah, they played out again on Monday and Tuesday, to the point where I'd had enough. Playing detective, I tracked down a corporate HQ number for Hendersen-Webb [(410) 628-7400], and left a blistering voicemail in which I pointed out: A) I'm a 3 1/2-year tenant who always paid his rent on time (if not early); B) They clearly hadn't fixed the A/C right the first time if it broke again 3 weeks later; C) I was sick of being told "someone will definitely be out that day" when they clearly weren't; and D) There wasn't a chance in hell I was renewing my lease in a few months if someone didn't get out there and fix my A/C the next day. Then I went to bed, and had yet another sweaty night's sleep.

8) Wednesday, 9:15 a.m.: I get a call from my apartment complex's property manager, who listens to everything I have to say and swears on the life of the baby Christ that my air conditioner will be fixed that day. Lo and behold, five hours later I get a phone call confirming this promise. I get home, and sure enough it's colder than a witch's tit. Outstanding.

9) Until Thursday night, when the A/C breaks for the third time in less than a month! The only saving grace is, thanks to Caller ID I now have the property manager's direct line. Which I use first thing the next morning.

10) It's the next morning, and the property manager is flabbergasted. The chief maintenance officer or whatever is right there with her, and the dude is on the way to my apartment as I speak. He'd better be, I think to myself.

11) After work, I go out for drinks and to see, uh, that movie about flying serpents that's getting all the free publicity. I get home around 12:30, 1 in the morning, and guess what? NO GODDAMNED AIR CONDITIONING! Which means I'm now facing, at the very least, an additional weekend of hot air on top of everything that had come before. I call the corporate number again, leave a rambling, semi-profane voicemail about my plans for legal action and lease breakage, then call it a night.

12) So here we are on Sunday, and I've now gone 11 days without A/C in July and August, despite the fact that I'm paying rent for an apartment with working A/C. Despite the fact they clearly can't fix the thing, there has been no talk of installing a new unit. There have also been no offers of a window or portable A/C unit, or temporary lodging in an apartment with a working unit -- not even a reduction in next month's rent! Just nearly two weeks of hot, hot, hot, with no firm end in sight.

So a big middle finger for Hendersen-Webb. If you read in Tuesday's papers about their offices being firebombed, you can take that as a sign that I still don't have cold air. Those fuckers.

Open Letter To Angus & Malcolm Young

2006-08-19T19:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Los Bros. Young:

As you may or may not have noticed, it’s now mid-August 2006. Why is this significant? Because you’d promised a new album this year, and guess what? The year’s almost over, and you haven’t even so much as stepped foot in a studio. Which makes me think that you might have what the French call “ze cold feet.”

Back in their Bon Scott days, AC/DC played a show so loudly that 17 audience members' heads exploded in the first 20 minutes. Fortunately, all 17 casualties turned out to be evil shapeshifting aliens, marking the first of many times the world was saved by this remarkable band.

Not that I can blame you. Don’t get me wrong: you’ve put out some of the best damn albums in the history of rock ‘n’ roll. I mean, you guys even beat the infamous Three-Good-Records-Tops Curse that seems to strike 99% of all bands. T.N.T., Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, Let There Be Rock, Powerage, Highway to Hell. Pure gold, every one of them. Even that first Brian Johnson album, what do you call it, Back in Black. Not your best work by any means, but listenable.

But then, well. Each successive release just got worse and worse, didn't it? Culminating with the steaming pile of crap that was 2000’s Stiff Upper Lip. Why? I put the blame squarely on Brian Johnson’s shoulders. Just look at him! His limited vocal range and asinine song writing are bad enough, but what really puts the stripe on the skunk is that stupid, ever-present, Fred Sanford-style cap. Frankly, if he were my lead singer I’d have cold feet about going back into the studio, too.

Brian Johnson is so fucking stupid that he once showed up to sing at a Guns N' Roses concert by mistake. Needless to say, he was resoundingly booed off the stage.

After hearing all that you’re probably thinking, “Why does he even care if we go back into the studio? He clearly hates everything we’ve done in the past 25 years anyhow.” Guilty as charged. But every now and then, some old, washed-up band that hasn’t had a decent album in ages finds a way to reach deep inside the flabby modern incarnations of themselves and pull out the inner screaming demon of rock ‘n’ roll that made them great to begin with. Personally, I think you can be one of those bands, and I’d love to hear the results.

That said, don’t even bother if you plan on bringing Johnson into the studio with you. He’s a bloated, talentless lamprey sucking off your shark-esque twin guitar power, and hasn’t even written any lyrics since ‘88’s Blow Up Your Video. No. Best thing to do is fire his lame ass, then either hire a hungry young new singer/songwriter, or -- and I’m sure I don’t need to point out the genius in this move -- bring in former Sex Pistols frontman Johnny Rotten. Eh? No less than 12 major world cities would be in flames within hours of that announcement, lads. Think about it.

I guess that's it. Oh, and if maybe we could hang out some time, you know, and maybe you could show me some hot guitar licks, whatever, that would be pretty sweet. But, you know, I’m not expecting it or anything. No pressure.

Your fan,
Shelton

What Was Top Of The Pops When You Were Popped?

2006-08-19T11:53:00.000-04:00

Shelton here, reporting from the un-air-conditioned hellhole that is my top secret base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs. The A/C unit has broken down three times since July 17. This has caused me to go a total of 10 days in the past month without cold air, and it'll be up to a dozen by the end of the weekend. Primarily due to the incompetence of the Hendersen-Webb apartment management group. So, if you're ever thinking of renting from Hendersen-Webb, take my advice and don't.

But that's not the point. The point is, I just found a website that tells you what the #1 song was on the day you were born, in the U.S. or the U.K.! I'd like to see someone come up with a better birthday song than mine -- Edwin Star's "War" (in the U.S.)! Over in England it was "The Wonder of You" by Elvis Presley. Not bad, but no "War."

Alright. I'm off to gnash my teeth some more about this no air-conditioning thing. Maybe I'll also leave some more sternly worded voicemail messages at Hendersen-Webb's offices. Now that I think about it, should any readers wish to express your displeasure at HW for letting a tenant go at least 2 weeks without A/C in July & August, especially when said tenant pays rent for an air-conditioned apartment, you can do so at (410) 628-7400. Tell 'em Shelton sent you.

I've Had It With This Motherf'ing Free Hype For The Motherf'ing Man

2006-08-17T22:49:00.000-04:00

Don't get me wrong. I like Samuel L. Jackson as much as the next movie fan. Would love to hear what he really thinks about those horrible Star Wars flicks he got suckered into doing. (Same goes for Ewan MacGregor on that point... and speaking of which, where'd he go since Sith? Don't tell me the Star Wars curse has struck again!)

But what the fuck is with all the free bandwidth you people keep giving to New Line to promote its new movie? You know, the one about the aeroplane stuffed to the gills with legless reptiles. That one.

Samuel L. Jackson isn't the problem, people giving free publicity to a multi-billion-dollar movie studio -- and then paying to see their movie -- is the problem.

As of right now, a specific Google search for, uh, "that movie's title" (in quotes) turns up 18,300,000 pages. Abraham Lincoln? 23 million. That's right. Dude's on Mt. Rushmore, the five-dollar bill, the penny, classic Star Trek and Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, and he gets less than 5 million pages more than a movie about, you know, those things on the thing. And in what I find to be an even more startling statistic, the Sex Pistols only net 6,260,000 pages! The frikkin' Sex Pistols! Just 1/3 as page-worthy as a movie co-starring a bunch of badly CGI-ed serpents!

For the most part, those 18,300,000 pages are the result of millions of John Q. Publics spending millions of hours making electronic odes to a B-movie that no one's even seen yet. And who primarily benefits from that labor of love? New Line Cinema, the studio that bankrolled the movie and will reap the profits when it inevitably emerges as the nation's #1 film. I'm sure they appreciate your efforts.

Not that I'm not going to see it, mind you. Like I said, I'm a Jackson fan, and I can't blame him for having it with those motherfucking things. I'm just not lifting a finger to help a bunch of fat cats get fatter. Especially considering my deep-seated hatred of cats.

Beat It, Nerd

2006-08-16T23:32:00.000-04:00

Hi folks, the name's Shelton. I'm new to this whole blogging thing -- just as the fad seems to be dying out, might I add. That said, I bring something to the table that most bloggers don't: actual writing skills. See? I just strung together three sentences without any punctuation or grammatical errors. Can your average blogger do that? Fuck no, my friends. Fuck no.

But hey, I'm not here to discuss society's continuing decline into illiteracy. That's not my beat. See, Jesus once came to me in a dream. He said, "Shelton? If you're going to waste time writing, for fuck's sake write what you know." Then he turned into an owl and flew out the window, never to be seen again.

So I guess that's what I'll be doing here. But mostly I'm doing it to meet blog chicks. You know, like Ana Marie Cox. I hear she's hot. And into anal. Va-va-va-voom.