I'm Off The TV Wagon

So El Hombre Cable stopped by on Sunday, and I now have hundreds of channels from which to choose. Not to mention free HBO and "Starz" (the "z" shows they're hep, I guess) for a year. This comes after nearly two years without cable. Even though that dry spell was by choice, I've been binging like a m'f'er the last two days.

What can I say? I like MythBusters. Daily Show. The O'Reilly Factor and Hannity & Colmes (both for ironic reasons). And I'm looking forward to being able to watch the next season of Battlestar Galactica as it's released, instead of waiting for the fershlugginer DVD set. Not to mention whatever HBO shows come out over the next year. But what I really love about cable is the abundance of classic TV -- The Jeffersons, Magnum P.I., Hawaii 5-0, Kojak, All in the Family, Charles in Charge (highly underrated; Buddy Lembeck was comedy gold!), not to mention Star Trek. Ooh, and Happy Days. And hours and hours and hours of Cops. They're all there, like old friends you haven't spent time with in awhile.

Wait a second, "old friends?" Sweet jesus, that's pathetic. I'm off to punch a quadriplegic hooker to make up for it. But first, maybe an episode of Entourage from OnDemand. Ta-ta.

Like You Couldn't See That One Coming

Crikey! Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin got killed by one of the many deadly animals with which he was always fucking!

CAIRNS, Australia - Steve Irwin, the hugely popular Australian television personality and conservationist known as the “Crocodile Hunter,” was killed Monday by a stingray while filming off the Great Barrier Reef. He was 44.

[...]

“He came on top of the stingray and the stingray’s barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart,” said Stainton, who was on board Irwin’s boat at the time.

Yow, a stingray's barb right through the ol' ticker! Hell of a way to go, considering that most people die in bed or at the hands of another human. And at least he was spared the ultimate irony. If you need me to explain what the ultimate irony would be in this situation, then maybe you'd be better off reading a different blog; we move pretty fast around here.

As for the stingray, I can only imagine that crocodiles are already crafting songs and other works of art in its honor. Like, if there's a croc version of Jim Croce, then Jim Crocodoce is right now at this minute writing "Bad, Bad Leroy Stingray." Dude will probably even get knighted by the grand Crocodile King himself.

Steve Irwin, R.I.P.
"Don't Fear The Reaper"

Roll Over Beethoven, Tell Tchaikovsky The News

Ha! Remember that long-standing wisdom that classical music helps people do better in school, a.k.a. The Mozart Effect? Well, my new main men Drs. Rilby & Caldwell are all like, "Guess what, hombres? So does the sweet, sweet sound of rock 'n' roll!"

Thanks to Scotland's Glasgow Caledonian University, The Mozart Effect shall henceforth be known as The Hendrix Effect.

I'm not sure how valid this study was, though; they used Steve Vai as rock's representative. Don't get me wrong. He was cool in Ralph Macchio's Crossroads and all, but I wouldn't be able to concentrate on shit if someone was forcing me to listen to Surfing with the Alien. And considering they had motherf'ing Beethoven repping for Team Classical, it's kind of like a boxing match between Mike Tyson and a retarded 10-year-old. I'm amazed rock did as well as it did!

Ugh

Yeah, so as of today I'm 36. Thirty-six! Not recommended if you can avoid it, though I suppose the only known alternative is far, far worse.

In honor of this momentous occassion, today's playlist shall only consist of tunes released on or before my date of birth. It started with my perennial musical birthday starter, the Beatles' "Birthday," followed by the number one song on the day I was born (Edwin Starr's "War"), and now we're into Creedence's Bayou Country. Sweet jesus, that's a good album. In fact, I defy you to listen to CCR's cover of "Good Golly Miss Molly" and not contract a bad case of the boogie woogie flu.

Unfortunately, this whole "nothing after I was born" mandate means I'll hear plenty of hippie music before the day is through. Good thing such notable exceptions as Black Sabbath, the Stooges, the Velvet Underground and a few others were around back then, or this might not be doable.

Oh, and did I mention that the cable man is coming today? That's right, I somehow wound up with a cable appointment on my birthday. On a Sunday, no less. The Sunday before Labor Day. Bear in mind I've never gone to school or work on September 3 in my life, because The Man does not get access to me on my birthday, and this comes dangerously close to breaking that streak.

Maybe I'll wear one of those pointy birthday party hats the whole time the cable dude is here, and repeatedly point out that it's my birthday. Then I'll ask him if he brought me any cake, and look confused when he says he didn't.

"But," I'll say, "it's my birthday..."

Awesome Chili Recipe For Those Who Like It Hot

Shelton here, reporting live from my apartment on the Baltimore area's third gray and second rainy day in a row. (Though it now looks like it might be clearing up.) To beat the gloom, I declared today Chili Day, and when I declare a Chili Day, you can bet your socks that things are going to get hot and spicy. So I figured I'd share my time-tested chili recipe with you fine folks, but beware: it's hot!

Shelton's Awesome Hot Motherf'ing Chili

NOTE: If you're having Shelton's Awesome Hot Motherf'ing Chili for dinner, be sure to start cooking around 11:30 a.m. Which means about 5:30 a.m. if you want it for lunch. If you plan on having it for breakfast, well shit. I like your style, but that's crazy.

Ingredients:
* a little more than a pound of ground beef (or ground turkey if you prefer killing turkeys; tofu need not apply)
* 1 package of HOT chili seasoning mix
* 2 8-oz. cans of tomato sauce
* 4 green jalapenos
* 4 red jalapenos (these may have a different technical name, but I call them "red jalapenos")
* 2 habaneros (orange in color)
* 1 shot of whiskey (or more, if you want some for yourself)
* Note the complete lack of beans. If you even so much as think about putting beans in your chili then you're no longer making Shelton's Awesome Hot Motherf'ing Chili, and maybe you'd be better off getting recipes from Betty Crocker.

Directions:
* Pour the contents of the tomato sauce cans, the shot of whiskey and the chili seasoning pack into a mid-sized sauce pot, mix them up, and set the burner on "MED."
* Brown your beef. I can not overstress the importance of this step. I also recommend seasoning the beef with garlic & pepper while it's browning.
* Make absolutely sure you've done the first part of the last step. Seriously. I refuse to be held responsible if you don't.
* While the beef is browning, slice up your peppers: green jalapenos first, than the habaneros, then the red jalapenos. After you finish slicing each type, dump it into the sauce pot. Also, as you dump each type into the pot, be sure to loudly say, "Here comes the [green/orange/red]!" This is important, trust me.
* By the time you're done adding the peppers to the sauce, your beef should more or less be done. When it's ready, drain the fat, dry the meat off, then dump it into the sauce. When you add it, be sure to shout, "And finally, the brown!"
* Mix vigorously. If things look a little dry, fill one of the tomato sauce cans with water and add it in. (The water, not the can.)
* Bring the chili to a boil, mixing regularly. Once it boils, reduce the heat to a nice simmer.
* Mix it once every hour, on the hour, for a minimum of six hours. And for god's sake keep it covered!
* Time to eat! Serves 1 to 4 in any container you feel like putting it in. Also great right out of the pot! Be sure to have plenty of bread and water onhand before you dig in, though.

Last but not least, enjoy!