Monday, November 13, 2006

Well, I'm Back

Sweet Jesus, has it really been like 2 weeks since my last post? Good golly Miss Molly! I didn't intend to be away that long, but, you know, things get in the way. Like, ridiculous levels of attention paid to the mid-term elections. Oh, and a lot of time spent reconfiguring my computer so it can use many of the visual bells & whistles of Windows Vista without actually having to buy Windows Vista.

And, uh, just kind of sitting around. Some books were involved. And some movies. And some sloth. I'm only human.

So, I'm going to ease back into the whole regular posting thing. Oh, and hey, how 'bout dem liberals, huh? Good going, guys. Try to not lose it to the conservatives again for at least 12 years, if not longer. Things get real crazy real fast when they have complete control...

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Wayne Huizenga Will Burn In Hell

Happy Halloween, readers. Despite the holiday, I'm in no mood for trick-or-treating -- I'm in the mood to mete out swift vengeance to the man most responsible for the downfall of what was once the world's greatest (American) football team.

The team? The Miami Dolphins. You might know them as the only NFL team to ever go undefeated. The man who ruined them? A sleazy scumbag should-be slumlord by the name of H. Wayne Huizenga, a.k.a. the Dolphins' owner. Who shall henceforth be referred to in this column as the Trash Man.

Why "Trash Man?" Because that's how he got his start: the "waste management" business. And because he's turned the 'Phins into pure garbage since buying them a little over a decade ago. I bring this up because the Miami Herald's David J. Neal summed up the Dolphins' demise quite nicely in a recent column, and reading it renews my urge to punch someone until the Dolphins start winning again. Might as well be the Trash Man. He's old, and will break easily.

Regarding the phenomenon discussed in Neal's article, I've seen it at work here in Baltimore. Locals tell me that, due to a combination of Don Shula's B-more connection and the theft of the Colts in the '80s, the 'Phins had a sizeable fan base in this area at one point. Nowadays, though, if you see a Baltimorean wearing aqua-and-coral? They're homeless. Homeless! The humanity!!!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

You Too Can Make Crappy Indie Comics

Shelton here, with a hot tip for you that I got from the latest issue of the Stone: www.com-mix.org.

Long story as short as possible, the site basically works like Colorforms, using art presumably donated by a bushel of indie artists. You select the characters, the background, props, word balloons, etc., then paste them all together into one of six pre-set panel selections. Once done, you save it, and the cartoon is stored on the com-mix website for other visitors to see. Here's some of my handiwork, writing gags for artists Fay Ryu (the dude), Sakura Maku (the lady), and Paul Hoppe (the background); click for a larger version:



The selections are pretty limited, and there's a handful of annoying inconveniences (for example, I wasn't able to get the above example to save on the site with the background intact; am presuming it was a strip memory limitation or something), and outside of doing a screenshot, there's no direct way to save a cartoon to your computer. But, worth a visit if you're into such stuff.

No "sa-lute!" for it, though!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Robert Moore, You're One Crafty Son Of A Bitch

Guess what? Another kid managed to climb inside a one-armed bandit. I say "another" 'cause, seriously, a report like this seems to surface once a year. Which also makes me wonder if this has been happening as long as one-armed bandits have been around and we're just hearing about it more because of around the clock media coverage that constantly needs more fodder.

Either way, too bad Dubya-B didn't have this experience as a kid. Might have taught him an important lesson about having an exit strategy before you go into something. Zing!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Hopefully The Stupidest Goddamn Marketing Statement You'll Read All Day

From this Toronto Star article, about Taco Bell promising a free taco to every man, woman and child in America (and potentially Canada?) if a home run got hit "into the left-field or centre-field [remember, it's a Canadian article] stands during tonight's World Series Game Three."

Here's a Taco Bell spokesperson re: the promotion:

"We can't think of a more fitting way to celebrate America's favourite pastime than by giving fans a chance of winning America's favourite taco," said Bill Pearce, chief marketing officer for Taco Bell Corp.


Really? You can't think of any better way to celebrate baseball? Di-a-bolical.

Robert Fiveson Contra DreamWorks y Los Warner Bros.

Good news from Variety: a federal judge has ruled that the lawsuit filed by Robert S. Fiveson & the awesomely named Clonus Associates against DreamWorks & Warner Bros. can move forward.

Why does this matter? Because Fiveson is the creator of a little-known '79 sci-fi/horror flick called Parts: The Clonus Horror, and claims that DW/WB's The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson, is a ripoff of his film. After hearing this last year I made it a point to watch both movies, and in my opinion Fiveson has a very good case.

Plus, DreamWorks really isn't helping itself with a defense like this:

...DreamWorks also has argued plaintiffs were not entitled to any damages because "The Island" wasn't profitable.

The judge, however, said the defendants' method of calculating was highly contested by the plaintiffs and that the defendants did not provide supporting documentation when filing a declaration saying "The Island" made zero profit.


In other words, DreamWorks -- implying a place where dreams are made in factory-like conditions -- feels that it's perfectly all right for them to steal other people's ideas so long as they don't make any money off the project. That's a very progressive stance for a media conglomerate to take.

Incidentally, unless you have a subscription to Variety.com, you probably won't be able to read the linked article after a day or so. Tough titty for you, eh?

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Farewell To A Champion

When it comes to sneakers, I've primarily been a Vans man since my teenaged years, though I did have a Chuck Taylor's phase as well. Still, I always found Vans to be more comfortable, and have worn them exclusively since my early 20s. (Note: Should the Vans people want to reward me for this taste-making endorsement with free sneakers, I'll gladly accept.)

My last pair were perhaps the greatest shoe ever created in the history of footwear: the Vans Maestro (pictured above). But they were two years old, and it was time for some replacements. So, a couple weeks back, I found myself near a local Vans discount outlet and went in. Good news was, they had the Maestros -- and in what I call Confederate Army colors, no less -- but they didn't have 'em in my size. No worries, I thought. I'll find a pair somewhere.

I thought that would be today, when I took a trip to an even-closer, but non-discount outlet Vans store, planning to walk out with a brand-new pair of Maestros. Then came the even worse news: the Maestro line had been discontinued, and I was lucky to have seen any at the discount joint.

Long story short, I settled for a pair of Emorys, in what I call Imperial Navy colors. They're no Maestros, but they're close and pretty damn comfortable in their own right. Sa-lute!

Friday, October 20, 2006

Chimps Are 20 Years Behind Us In Video Game Prowess

If this video is to believed, chimpanzees have learned to play Ms. Pac-man. Color me unimpressed; I've finished GTA: San Andreas (without cheating), after all.

Alright, a chimp playing a video game is pretty cool. Too bad they didn't go with a more obvious choice, though. I'd pay money to watch a chimp play this classic -- double for an ape.


Thursday, October 19, 2006

Quite Possibly The Most Awesome Japanese Characters Ever

First, as a bit of backstory, about six months ago I expanded or wrote every Wikipedia article about Bon Scott-era AC/DC albums, most of the articles for those albums' songs, and even ones for Back in Black, ACDC Lane and more. I also strengthened a few other music articles, but High Voltage to Highway to Hell was my primary focus. A lot of man-hours were involved, but I like the concept of Wikipedia and felt, as a writer/editor, that I had a duty to help them out in whatever small way I could. I'm sappy like that.

Back to the present, I still patrol those pages on a fairly regular basis -- you know, make sure no jealous Brian Johnson fans are messing up the place, that sort of thing. And every now and then, I go check out other countries' AC/DC pages, just to see what they've got cooking. Tonight, I hit up Japan's page... which is why I'm now pleased to present six series of Japanese characters you can wear without fear that they say something unflattering. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you -- AC/DC, THE BON SCOTT VERSION, IN JAPANESE!!!

エーシーディーシー

ボン・スコット
アンガス・ヤング
マルコム・ヤング
クリフ・ウィリアムス
フィル・ラッド


Thank you, Tokyo! Goodnight!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Homina Homina

If you're a Scarlett Johansson lover, and you wear a pacemaker, I don't recommend picking up the new Esquire. Or clicking here, here, here, here, or here, and definitely not here. Yowza.

Incidentally, I found the Urban Dictionary's entry on "homina" to be quite chuckle-worthy, especially sentence two. A-woo-gah a-woo-gah indeed.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

A Relatively Lazy Post About The Rolling Stones

I call this a lazy post because I wrote most of it before posting it to this here blog-a-roo. It all started when I did a drive-by past fellow On Time!er The Far North End, and found him having an existential dilemma regarding one of my favorite bands, the Rolling Stones. Besides asking for Stones album recommendations, FNE's question was: why does anyone consider the Stones to be equals to, if not better than, the Beatles? The rest of tonight's post is my reply to that question, spiced up with some stolen pictures. Enjoy!


* * *

For me, the answer to “Beatles or Stones?” will always be “Stones.” Almost exclusively because of the song “Sympathy for the Devil.” But I don’t see the Stones as being more innovative or influential as the Beatles. More talented? I’d call that a draw. Ultimately, I think it’s kind of like, whether a person believes in [INSERT PREFERRED CREATOR NAME HERE] or [INSERT PREFERRED CREATOR-OPPONENT NAME HERE], chances are they still believe that the creator is more powerful and influential than (and may have in fact created) the opponent.

I didn't live through the '60s, so I can't speak for the hippies, but that's how I've always viewed their rivalry: the Beatles were yang, and the Stones were yin. People just kind of go with whatever vibe they like the most. And yes, the Beatles were probably a more groundbreaking group than the Stones... but you’d be hard-pressed to prove they were cooler.

* * *

Two other things I just now thought to add -- first, the Stones gain a lot of props due to the fact the core members have been working together for 40-some-odd years, whereas the Beatles only lasted about a decade.

On a more superficial level, the Beatles couldn't boast anyone as awesome as Keith Richards, and the Stones weren't hampered by anyone as toolish as Paul McCartney (though arguments could be made in Mick Jagger's favor on that point). Discuss.


Monday, October 16, 2006

Awesome Album Covers #3

Here's the thing: the topic of the long-overdue third installment of Awesome Album Covers was going to come from the Rolling Stones' canon. Then I said to myself, "Self -- the first two AACs came from Dylan and the Pink Floyd, respectively. Go with the Stones tonight, and you'll be labeled a hippie!"

"Can't argue with that," I replied. "And as you well know, there are few things I detest more than being labeled!" So with that in mind, myself and I went back to the album cupboard and came up with tonight's decidedly-not-hippie-music Awesome Album Cover selection...

Iron Maiden's
Somewhere in Time!


Click for larger version!

I'll be honest: I'm not a real big Iron Maiden fan. I do like a number of their tunes -- at least two off of each of their first seven albums -- but they don't get a lot of five-star ratings on my iPod ("Running Free" being a very notable exception that probably deserves six or more stars). That said, I love their album covers, and tonight's selection is no exception.

Like all Iron Maiden cover art, this piece prominently features the band's mascot, Eddie, front and center. More importantly, it marks the culmination* of a series of ever-more-complex cover images from artist Derek Riggs, beginning with the band's eponymous debut in 1980. In fact, this one's so detailed that I decided to post both the front and back images -- an unprecedented move for Awesome Album Covers!

If you're familiar with Iron Maiden history you'll see a lot of nods to their previous albums, not to mention a cameo by the band itself. But why waste further words on this awesome illustration when you can viddy it with thine own eyes? Click the above image for a much larger version, and feast on what may very well be the greatest sci-fi-influenced album cover of all time! Bon scottetite!

UPDATE: For a MUCH larger version of Riggs' original SiT album art, go here. And while you're at it, why not groove on everything www.derekriggs.com has to offer? That dude rules.

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* Yes, I know Iron Maiden put out a bunch more albums after this one, some of which also had interesting album covers, but none that followed came close to matching SiT for its detail and overall coolness. And when they dropped Riggs after 1990's No Prayer for the Dying, the covers weren't even worth looking at anymore. That's not opinion, that's scientific fact.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Beat It, Nerd 2.0 Is Online And Fully Operational

Whew -- the dust is all but settled, and Beat It, Nerd is officially nuzzled in sweet momma Blogger Beta's warm embrace. Lest she be forgotten, though, here's one last look at the original site (click for a larger image, if you're into staring at dinosaurs):



If you're a current Blogger user, and have the option of switching to Blogger Beta, I highly recommend it. If you're not getting an update invite on your Blogger dashboard, it's still possible to switch your blog -- as seen here, duh -- but it will take a good amount of time. Especially if you have a large blog. That said, here's some of the new features offered by Blogger Beta:

* First, my favorite addition: post topics/meta-tags, with the option to post a complete list of your blog's topics in the sidebar (or elsewhere if you want to get real crazy).

* Faster blog & post editing with tons more options for each.

* HTML-free color, font, layout & blog features editing (though you'll still need to go to the HTML editor for some things).

* Better archive layout and options.

That's not all, but those are the things that caught my eye. Give it a spin yourself if you wanna know more, or don't. What do I care?

Moving Day

Swank new digs, no? And it's on the even swankier new "Blogger Beta." Only thing is, Blogger didn't deem the original Beat It, Nerd swanky enough to extend an invitation to migrate to Blogger Beta, so I had to take a very long route to get here. Fortunately, and almost by chance, I found out that deleted-blog URLs are now instantly available. So, it was "just" a matter of deleting the original beatitnerd.blogspot.com, starting a Blogger Beta account, relaunching the old URL on the new account, and now the fun part: transferring the old posts, having already saved the HTML for each in Microsoft Word documents. Quite a fun afternoon ahead of me...

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

My Tax Dollars Have Allegedly Helped Kill More Than A Half-Million Iraqis, And I Didn't Even Get A Lousy T-Shirt

Well. If you're a United States citizen like yours truly, then all you can really do is hope that this report isn't true.

I mean, fuck. 655,000 dead Iraqis? In a war that was supposed to liberate them, with very limited enemy response during the invasion stage? You'd think a relatively small country like that would be just about empty at this point. Hell, isn't that more than we lost in WWII? And remember, that's not just dead soldiers. It's dead old folks, women, babies and halfwits, the whole kit and caboodle. A hell of a lot of people. Poof. Just like that.

Of course, the warhawks will pooh-pooh the whole thing. "This is just one study," they'll harrumph. "Inconclusive. Probably biased. And in the end, they're just numbers. Right?"

Well, sure. Whatever gets you through the night, old bean. Personally, I just hope my tax dollars wound up in the pneumatic tube that goes to the Department of Education or some such shit. I wasn't in the market for dead Iraqis, and certainly don't want the government buying any on my behalf.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Get Motivated


I was going to let the staff of The Far North End spread the word about this, seeing as they were the ones who tipped off the Beat It, Nerd offices, but I haven't seen mention of it over there yet so I'm stealing his thunder: Ladies and gentlemen, can I interest you in Despair.com's Motivational Poster Generator!

If you're not familiar with Motivational Posters, you probably don't work in an office. Traditionally, they're black-bordered images of some tranquil or interesting scene, with one large word printed beneath the image, and smaller text about said word below that. For example (taken straight from a real M.P.), "Perserverance: What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve." Underneath a picture of a dude hanging off a cliff, no less. In short, they're the 21st century-equivalent of those "Hang In There" cat posters.


In retaliation, Despair.com launched its own line of "Demotivators," a.k.a. the Bizarro Superman version of M.P.s. Now, they've taken it one step further by letting YOU create whatever kind of motivational or demotivational poster you want -- sky's the limit, baby, and it's all free!

And yes, the ones that accompany this post are my own creations (click 'em for larger versions). Have fun making your own!

Friday, October 06, 2006

Dum Da Da Dum Da Da Dum Dum Da Da Dum Dum Dum Da Da Dum Dum Dum Dum


So here's the thing: season 3 of Battlestar Galactica premieres tonight, and I'm pretty damn excited. Admiral Adama's really got his work cut out for him, that's for sure -- those Cylons don't fuck around!

And yeah, I know the new show doesn't use the original show's theme song, as arguably implied by this post's headline. Too bad. When I think BSG, I think that tune. Sue me if you don't like it.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Some Album Recommendations

We've been doing a lot of music downloading lately at Beat It, Nerd -- all legal, of course -- and as with all things in life, some of it was good and some of it sucked. As a result, I have some fresh album recommendations for you. And though I didn't originally mean "fresh" in the old-school rap kind of way, I just now decided that it's exactly what I mean. So here we go:


Alice Donut: Bucketfulls of Sickness and Horror in an Otherwise Meaningless Life (1989): The sophomore release from this punk-influenced NYC band known for its noisily harmonic music and love-him-or-hate-him lead singer. Though "known" probably isn't the right word, 'cause they're not a particularly well-known band. Regardless, this album saw the Donut evolve from a novelty song-type band into a bona fide artistic force. If you like Sonic Youth, Pussy Galore, maybe even the Butthole Surfers, you'll probably enjoy this... if you can get past Thomas Antona's voice. I can, but then again I think Johnny Rotten is the greatest rock singer ever. Really. 4 out of 5 thumbs up.


Gogol Bordello: Gypsy Punks - Underdog World Strike (2005): If you're not familiar with Gogol Bordello, they offer a fusion of traditional eastern European music, rock, dance and dub. And their lead singer/mastermind Eugene Hutz sports a ridiculously bushy mustache. That said, this isn't some kind of goofy front on the band's part; it's primarily comprised of eastern European immigrants. If you're looking for something decidedly different, you can't go wrong here. Fun album! 4 out of 5 thumbs up.



Peter Tosh: Equal Rights (1977): Another sophomore release! I was never really into reggae -- where I come from, it's goddamn hippie music -- but have been playing around with it of late. Some of it, especially the political stuff, ain't bad. And few come more political than Tosh. He's got some crazy sounds going on with the bass and presumably synthesizers here, especially on "Stepping Razor" and his take on "Get Up, Stand Up," which rules all over the Wailers' version. We'll call it even at 4 out of 5 thumbs up.



AC/DC: Kicked in the Teeth Again (1977) & Rarities VIII (1978): Yes, I saved the best for last. These bootleg releases -- which again, I obtained in a completely legal manner -- document live Bon Scott-era recordings in San Francisco, CA on 9/2/77 and Columbus, OH on 9/10/78, respectively. Both capture what became, for a time, the World's Greatest Rock 'n' Roll Band, before they became that band, rocking hard enough to tear a hole in the space-time continuum. Unfortunately, Kicked suffers from bad sound quality, and Rarities appears to have been pieced together from multiple sources (including radio broadcasts), but that won't stop me from giving both of 'em 5 out of 5 thumbs up!


That's it for now. Oh, and a big "Sa-lute!" to the good people at The Far North End for a hot tip about one of these, the identity of which will remain hidden to protect the innocent. Ciao, babies.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Don't Worry, I'm Not Dead

Hey, what's up. Been awhile, huh? Yeah, I've been busy. Family was in town, plus I got a new cell phone -- the Sanyo "Katana." I.E., Sprint's version of the ubiquitous "Razr." Only we use all our vowels here in Sprint Country.

A new piece of technology, or god forbid a video game, is guaranteed to sap my interest in all other extracurricular activities for at least a week, as was the case this time. If it'd been a grade-A new video game, you might not have heard from me for a month. You've been warned.

But anyways, the phone: it's pretty sweet. Should you be in the market for a new phone, and are a Sprint customer, or don't mind switching to Sprint, I strongly recommend the Katana. For one, it has a cool name. It flips open, which is a feature the Star Trek fan in me demands of all cell phones. And it's ridiculously slim.* I think it might even be two-dimensional. More importantly, though, conversations sound great on both ends, and it has unbelievably good reception. In fact, I was using it while putting clothes in the dryer in the laundry room of my apartment building's basement, and the call was still clear as a bell!

That said, if you're a phone-gadget fiend, this is not the model for you; a web browser and a VGA camera (no video) is all it offers.

Still, it's perfect for my needs. Strange thing is, it's not the phone I set out to buy: the one I really wanted was the Samsung A640. Why? It looks just like Spock's coffin from Wrath of Khan! Plus, it has a '70s-style external display that only shows red & blue colors, making it a cell phone that would've been right at home on the Death Star. But, Sprint stopped selling it the day before I went to buy one -- apparently the reception was shit. B-Side wins again!

And no, I don't sleep in Star Trek sheets. Or Star Wars. Get a life, man.

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* The downside to this is, Sanyo felt it necessary to print "ultraslim mobile phone" on the phone's exterior. Thank christ they didn't build my car or it would say "small fuel efficient car" across the hood.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Northerners Are Weird, Hive-Like

Huh. I was tipped off to this by Jane via Gawker: NetFlix has a feature called "Local Favorites," which lets you see the most popular rentals in your area... or any area in the U.S.! Well, any "area" that's a major city.

The thing that struck me about Manhattan's Top 10 is that so many of the movies are New York-centric. I know it's the "greatest city on earth" and all, but one would think one wouldn't mind being transported to other places via cinema every now and again. The same was true to an extent for the other NY boroughs, but Manhattanites really take it to an extreme.

So I say to myself, "Self, ain't no way Baltimorons can be this proud of their environs -- that place is the city equivalent of a zombie!" But lo and behold... the Baltimore NetFlix Top 10!:

1. Liberty Heights
2. The Corner (2-Disc Series)
3. Avalon
4. The Wire: Season 2 (5-Disc Series)
5. L'Auberge Espagnole
6. A Dirty Shame
7. Hairspray
8. G
9. Homicide: Life on the Street: Seasons 1 & 2 (4-Disc Series)
10. Steve Harvey: Don't Trip, He Ain't Through with Me Yet

Gah! 10 movies (or TV shows), and at least seven are directly related to Charm City! By now, I'm panicking -- could it be that anyone who lives in a city is so in love with said city that all they want to watch are movies about the city?!? Feeling woozy, I tested my home state's two biggest cities:

Miami, FL
1. The Waiting List (Lista de Espera)
2. Bitter Sugar (Azúcar amarga)
3. Marc Anthony: Concert from Madison Square Garden
4. Guantanamera
5. For Love or Country
6. Strawberry & Chocolate (Fresa y Chocolate)
7. Secuestro Express (Kidnap Express)
8. The Dark Side of the Heart
9. Conversaciones con Mama
10. Balseros

Orlando, FL
1. Forest of the Dead
2. Star Wars: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi: Original Theatrical Version
3. Meet the Browns
4. Why Did I Get Married?
5. Somewhere in Time
6. Eurotrip
7. Star Wars: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back: Original Theatrical Version
8. Pink Floyd: Pulse (2-Disc Series)
9. Three Kings
10. HellBent

Whoa! Look at all the goddamn variety down there! And not a single flick about the cities they live in! Now those are some reasonable, sane people!

God bless Florida. I surely do miss it at times.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Willie Nelson Has Earned The Right To Smoke The Occasional Bong


It's surely not easy to be a classic country singer these days. Johnny Cash? Dead. Hank Williams Jr.? Accused of choking a woman with the improbable name of Holly Hornbeak. And Willie Nelson? Hit with four misdemeanor drug citations after a "routine"* traffic stop turned up a beatnik's paradise-worth of marijuana and psilocybin mushrooms on his legendary tour bus.

Not particularly shocking, considering how open Nelson has always been about his drug use. But it does underscore the utter ridiculousness of making certain all-natural drugs illegal. I'm not a doctor, lawyer or psychologist, so I don't feel qualified to speak on the many medical, legal and social fallacies involved. That said, I know a victim when I see one, and I fail to see one in a case that involves four old people smoking weed and doing 'shrooms on the back of a bus. And if there's no victim, why is it slowing down the courts and infringing on the accused's pursuit of happiness?

Besides, if Hank Williams Jr. can get away with choking waitresses, Willie should certainly be allowed to get stoned. He's Willie fucking Nelson!

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* Can a traffic stop involving Willie Nelson's tour bus, or any tour bus, really be considered routine? A Toyota Camry, that's routine. A tour bus, not so much.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Greetings From The Future

L'chaim. I'm from the year 5767, and I'm telling you it's great here. The air is clean. The water's clean. Even the dirt is clean. Bowling scores are way up. Mini-golf scores are way down. And we have more excellent water slides than any other planet we communicate with.

Ha! Just kidding. I'm not from the future; I'm Jewish. Rather, half my family's Jewish, but I was raised Catholic. Long story. Another long story is Rosh Hashanah, which started at sundown tonight, meaning it's now the year 5767 as far as non-goyim are concerned. So, Happy New Year! Unless you're a nazi. We dropped you bastards from our Friends & Family list a long time ago.

p.s. I must admit that most of my lede was swiped from another source. If you know which one, you are a well-cultured individual. Sa-lute!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Man, I Really Worked Blue Last Night

Oh my. I just looked over last night's drunken defense of Bocephus, and it even made me blush. Sure am glad I haven't told Mom about this site.

If any regular readers were offended, please accept my most heartfelt apologies. I mean it. You deserve better. You liberal motherfucking decent human beings, you.

But hey, speaking of working blue, how about that boxer The Smurf, huh? Get it? Smurf? Blue? Yeah. Alright, I'm getting out before I fall any further behind. Later.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Hank Williams Jr. Has Earned The Right To Choke The Occasional Bitch


Alright. I'll be honest with you. I was out drinking tonight. That's right, "into my cups" as they say. An old, old friend -- like, since elementary school-old -- was visiting, and he leaves town tomorrow, so we had a good old-fashioned pub crawl before he hit the road. Don't worry about me though; I told my boss I was coming in an hour late tomorrow before I left work tonight. Plus, he and I are now old men so I was home well before midnight, as you can see by this post.

That's right, old men. Or at least, sailing into middle age. It happens. As the wag who runs Superficial.com (or was it WWTDD.com?) recently said: "Hey time, fuck you."

But look, that's not the point. Point is, my main man Hank Williams, Jr. is back in the news, this time 'cause the latest bullshit lawsuit against him is moving forward. Unless you live in a cave, you already know the deal: Bocephus is accused of choking some waitress, amongst other indignities he allegedly foisted on her. But you know what? Fuck that waitress. And before you get all, "Hey you misogynistic motherfucker!" on me, let me assure you I'd say the same thing if it was a waiter.

Why? What the fuck has that waitress ever brought to the table that can outshine Bocephus' accomplishments, that's why. Huh? Tell me that. Did she write "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight?" "Country Boy Can Survive?" Is she Hank fucking Williams fucking Jr.? Is she the son of motherfucking Hank Williams? Or is she just some dumb piece of shit who won't be remembered 3 fucking weeks after she's dead?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not calling for carte blanche for all celebrities. What I am saying is, there are regular people, there are celebrities (a club that any halfwit can join), and there are icons, and Randall Hank Williams is certainly the latter. And if an icon wants to choke one of us regular people every now and again? Well, fuck. I'd certainly say Hank motherfucking Williams fucking Jr. has earned that motherfucking right. Wouldn't you?

Alright, so I'm kidding about most of this post. Not when it comes to my undying loyalty to any member of the Hank Williams family, though. Besides, you should see the look on your face right now, you liberal motherfucking decent human being. Haw haw on you, madame or sir. Haw haw on you.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

New iTunes = HOT

Well blow me down! If you're a regular iTunes user like the staff at Beat It, Nerd, then you've probably already downloaded the latest update. If not, I'd recommend you do so immediately.

Unlike the last update, there are some big graphical upgrades with this one. For one, you don't have to manually add album art for songs that you don't buy from the iTunes Music Store -- there's a new option that will automatically find art for just about any album under the sun! Plus, there are two new "view" options; instead of just looking at an endless list of tunes, you can: a) view all songs by album, with the album art displayed to the left of each album's track listing, or b) use the new "cover browser," which puts a big window above the song tracks. In the center of this window is the album you're listening to, with the previous and next albums to the left and right, respectively. Kind of like looking at a jukebox! Sweet!


iTunes' new "grouped by album" view -- click it for a larger image!


The "jukebox" view -- click this one for a bigger version, too!

And no, Apple didn't pay me for this post. I wish. Those who know where I work know I could use the money.

UPDATE: Sweet! The iPod-interface features are super-upgraded, too! Bon scottetite!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Suck It You Rodian Dirtball

Yeah, so I was one of the lemmings who gave yet more money to George "I'm Both Morally and Creatively Bankrupt" Lucas today, so I could get my hands on the first-ever official DVD release of the original Star Wars and Return of the Jedi. Not Empire Strikes Back, though; I have no complaints about any of the Special Edition changes in that flick.

Is it insulting to have to buy the Special Editions that I just bought last year all over again to get the original versions? Of course. So are most things in life. But it is pretty sweet seeing Han shoot first again, the way Allah intended. Not to mention that funky wolfman dude in the cantina. And no more goddamn extended dance party at Jabba's palace in Jedi. Amen.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Yes, Whither The Hobo Code?


Looks like hobo towns are back in a big way in Ohio. In fact, a new one on the Ohio River's north shore is threatening a tri-state event called "Tall Stacks" (if you know what Tall Stacks is, please don't tell me; I prefer to think it's a pancake-eating contest).

An estimated 20 homeless people have set up camp in makeshift shelters made of plastic sheets, string, old cable spools and carpet remnants along the Ohio River's northern shore just west of the Roebling Suspension Bridge.

These aren't Andy Griffith Show-style hobos, either. No. These swine shit in their own nest and fight each other like wolves!
Several piles of feces, some with toilet paper stuck to them, were evident along the downriver walkway of the bridge at the Cincinnati end of the span Friday. There was also a strong urine smell there.

[...]

Sgt. Steve Saunders, a Cincinnati police District One community outreach officer, said the group living there has developed a reputation for being violent with one another, especially after drinking too much.
Wow -- Americans living like animals down by the river, without even the luxury of a van! Some might see that as a real indictment of our country's direction. Not Cincinnati Vice Mayor Jim Tarbell, though.

Traditionally, [the homeless] have migrated to "quaint" riverside settings, but have abided by an unwritten code of conduct, [Tarbell] said.

Nowadays, that code seems to have disappeared, he lamented.

"It doesn't mean that you accept or any way support bad behavior," he said. "It's one thing to have a camp on the river, it's another thing to (pee) on someone's shoe."


That's right, you goddamn bums! If you don't stop pissing on people's shoes and return to the Hobo Code in a goddamn hurry, there'll be no more quaint riverside Hobo Town for you, got it? No more trash can fires, no more bean cans, no more Thunderbird -- nothing. Don't make Vice Mayor Tarbell tell you again!

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Look On My Works, Ye Mighty, And Despair

The U.S. government -- my government, baby -- is putting a new spin on that old Shelley saw, according to a report in Wired:

A half-mile below the surface of the New Mexico desert, the federal government is interring thousands of tons of monstrously dangerous leftovers from its nuclear weapons program -- plutonium-infested clothing, tools and chemical sludge that will remain potentially lethal for thousands of years to come.

It may be safely secured now, but how to keep our descendants centuries in the future from accidentally unearthing it?

That's the question posed by the Waste Isolation Pilot Plant, the nation’s only underground repository for military-generated radioactive waste.

To address it, the Department of Energy convened a conclave of scientists, linguists, anthropologists and sci-fi thinkers to develop an elaborate system intended to shout "Danger!" to any human being for the next 10,000 years -- regardless of what language they speak or technology they use.
Storing nuclear leftovers underground? That's awesome that New Mexico doesn't have any groundwater or anything. Otherwise, di-a-bolical. As for the plan itself, I recommend putting The Robot from Lost in Space on the job. No one expresses "Danger!" better than that dude. Not once his arms start flapping.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Why Yes, I Am Ready For Some Football

At least I was until the stupid Pittsburgh Steelers had to go and ruin the season opener. Enjoy it while you can, Steeler fans. You probably live in the Pittsburgh area, which means you have a higher-than-average chance of contracting cancer at some point in your life. Suck on that while you gloat over your meaningless regular season victory!

Oh, and remember, Daunte: you want to pass to the guys wearing white, aqua & coral. Not black & yellow. Got it? I don't want to have this discussion again next week.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

I'm Off The TV Wagon

So El Hombre Cable stopped by on Sunday, and I now have hundreds of channels from which to choose. Not to mention free HBO and "Starz" (the "z" shows they're hep, I guess) for a year. This comes after nearly two years without cable. Even though that dry spell was by choice, I've been binging like a m'f'er the last two days.

What can I say? I like MythBusters. Daily Show. The O'Reilly Factor and Hannity & Colmes (both for ironic reasons). And I'm looking forward to being able to watch the next season of Battlestar Galactica as it's released, instead of waiting for the fershlugginer DVD set. Not to mention whatever HBO shows come out over the next year. But what I really love about cable is the abundance of classic TV -- The Jeffersons, Magnum P.I., Hawaii 5-0, Kojak, All in the Family, Charles in Charge (highly underrated; Buddy Lembeck was comedy gold!), not to mention Star Trek. Ooh, and Happy Days. And hours and hours and hours of Cops. They're all there, like old friends you haven't spent time with in awhile.

Wait a second, "old friends?" Sweet jesus, that's pathetic. I'm off to punch a quadriplegic hooker to make up for it. But first, maybe an episode of Entourage from OnDemand. Ta-ta.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Like You Couldn't See That One Coming

Crikey! Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin got killed by one of the many deadly animals with which he was always fucking!

CAIRNS, Australia - Steve Irwin, the hugely popular Australian television personality and conservationist known as the “Crocodile Hunter,” was killed Monday by a stingray while filming off the Great Barrier Reef. He was 44.

[...]

“He came on top of the stingray and the stingray’s barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart,” said Stainton, who was on board Irwin’s boat at the time.

Yow, a stingray's barb right through the ol' ticker! Hell of a way to go, considering that most people die in bed or at the hands of another human. And at least he was spared the ultimate irony. If you need me to explain what the ultimate irony would be in this situation, then maybe you'd be better off reading a different blog; we move pretty fast around here.

As for the stingray, I can only imagine that crocodiles are already crafting songs and other works of art in its honor. Like, if there's a croc version of Jim Croce, then Jim Crocodoce is right now at this minute writing "Bad, Bad Leroy Stingray." Dude will probably even get knighted by the grand Crocodile King himself.

Steve Irwin, R.I.P.
"Don't Fear The Reaper"


Sunday, September 03, 2006

Roll Over Beethoven, Tell Tchaikovsky The News

Ha! Remember that long-standing wisdom that classical music helps people do better in school, a.k.a. The Mozart Effect? Well, my new main men Drs. Rilby & Caldwell are all like, "Guess what, hombres? So does the sweet, sweet sound of rock 'n' roll!"


Thanks to Scotland's Glasgow Caledonian University, The Mozart Effect shall henceforth be known as The Hendrix Effect.

I'm not sure how valid this study was, though; they used Steve Vai as rock's representative. Don't get me wrong. He was cool in Ralph Macchio's Crossroads and all, but I wouldn't be able to concentrate on shit if someone was forcing me to listen to Surfing with the Alien. And considering they had motherf'ing Beethoven repping for Team Classical, it's kind of like a boxing match between Mike Tyson and a retarded 10-year-old. I'm amazed rock did as well as it did!

Ugh


Yeah, so as of today I'm 36. Thirty-six! Not recommended if you can avoid it, though I suppose the only known alternative is far, far worse.

In honor of this momentous occassion, today's playlist shall only consist of tunes released on or before my date of birth. It started with my perennial musical birthday starter, the Beatles' "Birthday," followed by the number one song on the day I was born (Edwin Starr's "War"), and now we're into Creedence's Bayou Country. Sweet jesus, that's a good album. In fact, I defy you to listen to CCR's cover of "Good Golly Miss Molly" and not contract a bad case of the boogie woogie flu.

Unfortunately, this whole "nothing after I was born" mandate means I'll hear plenty of hippie music before the day is through. Good thing such notable exceptions as Black Sabbath, the Stooges, the Velvet Underground and a few others were around back then, or this might not be doable.

Oh, and did I mention that the cable man is coming today? That's right, I somehow wound up with a cable appointment on my birthday. On a Sunday, no less. The Sunday before Labor Day. Bear in mind I've never gone to school or work on September 3 in my life, because The Man does not get access to me on my birthday, and this comes dangerously close to breaking that streak.

Maybe I'll wear one of those pointy birthday party hats the whole time the cable dude is here, and repeatedly point out that it's my birthday. Then I'll ask him if he brought me any cake, and look confused when he says he didn't.

"But," I'll say, "it's my birthday..."

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Awesome Chili Recipe For Those Who Like It Hot

Shelton here, reporting live from my apartment on the Baltimore area's third gray and second rainy day in a row. (Though it now looks like it might be clearing up.) To beat the gloom, I declared today Chili Day, and when I declare a Chili Day, you can bet your socks that things are going to get hot and spicy. So I figured I'd share my time-tested chili recipe with you fine folks, but beware: it's hot!

Shelton's Awesome Hot Motherf'ing Chili

NOTE: If you're having Shelton's Awesome Hot Motherf'ing Chili for dinner, be sure to start cooking around 11:30 a.m. Which means about 5:30 a.m. if you want it for lunch. If you plan on having it for breakfast, well shit. I like your style, but that's crazy.

Ingredients:
* a little more than a pound of ground beef (or ground turkey if you prefer killing turkeys; tofu need not apply)
* 1 package of HOT chili seasoning mix
* 2 8-oz. cans of tomato sauce
* 4 green jalapenos
* 4 red jalapenos (these may have a different technical name, but I call them "red jalapenos")
* 2 habaneros (orange in color)
* 1 shot of whiskey (or more, if you want some for yourself)
* Note the complete lack of beans. If you even so much as think about putting beans in your chili then you're no longer making Shelton's Awesome Hot Motherf'ing Chili, and maybe you'd be better off getting recipes from Betty Crocker.

Directions:
* Pour the contents of the tomato sauce cans, the shot of whiskey and the chili seasoning pack into a mid-sized sauce pot, mix them up, and set the burner on "MED."
* Brown your beef. I can not overstress the importance of this step. I also recommend seasoning the beef with garlic & pepper while it's browning.
* Make absolutely sure you've done the first part of the last step. Seriously. I refuse to be held responsible if you don't.
* While the beef is browning, slice up your peppers: green jalapenos first, than the habaneros, then the red jalapenos. After you finish slicing each type, dump it into the sauce pot. Also, as you dump each type into the pot, be sure to loudly say, "Here comes the [green/orange/red]!" This is important, trust me.
* By the time you're done adding the peppers to the sauce, your beef should more or less be done. When it's ready, drain the fat, dry the meat off, then dump it into the sauce. When you add it, be sure to shout, "And finally, the brown!"
* Mix vigorously. If things look a little dry, fill one of the tomato sauce cans with water and add it in. (The water, not the can.)
* Bring the chili to a boil, mixing regularly. Once it boils, reduce the heat to a nice simmer.
* Mix it once every hour, on the hour, for a minimum of six hours. And for god's sake keep it covered!
* Time to eat! Serves 1 to 4 in any container you feel like putting it in. Also great right out of the pot! Be sure to have plenty of bread and water onhand before you dig in, though.

Last but not least, enjoy!

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Good Things About Comic Books #2

Man, we've really been on a music kick here at Beat It, Nerd, haven't we? And yes, I mean "we" in the royal sense. Screw you if you don't like it.

Here's something that oughta cheer you up, though -- some quality time with the subject of tonight's GTaCB:

JUDGE DREDD!


First appearing in the pages of England's 2000 AD, Judge Dredd -- better known as Joe to his close, personal friends, of which he has none -- has been patrolling the mean streets of Mega-City One since 1977. And make no mistake: He is the law!

If all you know about Dredd comes from that shitty Sly Stallone flick, then you don't know Dredd. Simple as that. For one thing, the real Judge Dredd never takes off his helmet. Ever. Okay, he did once, but they drew a "censored" bar over his face. Sly Stallone? Dude spent 9/10ths of the movie with his helmet off! What the hell is that about?

Plus, the real Dredd wears preposterously large shoulder pads. Sly's looked quite manageable, and his gloves and boots weren't green, either. I'd like to know who he thought he was fooling with that nonsense.

And don't even get me started on the whole "Judge Dredd getting a girlfriend" thing. I half expected the Easter Bunny to come hopping across the screen at that point. Might as well shoot for the moon once you've gone that far!

No, the real Dredd is nothing like the buffoon Hollywood gave us. The real Dredd is a fascist through and through, and cares for nothing save punishing the guilty. If you commit a crime in his presence -- any crime, no matter how small -- you will receive the maximum sentence allowed by law. And if that sentence is death? So much the better as far as he's concerned; it's one less perp crowding the streets!

All of which makes Judge Dredd a Good Thing about Comic Books. Sa-lute!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Stabbed For WHAT?!?


Sweet mother of christ, what kind of animals would do such a thing?! It's insanity! Look, even Angus is crying about it, and he's not the type of guy who cries easily.

A teenager who was stabbed in the eye during her school lunch break said a "gang mentality" singled out pupils for their music and fashion tastes.

[...]

"Somebody asked me on the first day what kind of music I listened to, so I said AC/DC."

She said that, as a result of this, she was told she was a "metaler" and found herself being shunned by other classmates.

This never would've happened under Bon Scott's watch. Everyone loved AC/DC back then. Everyone!

Blast From The Past


First, the embarrassing part. I've been listening to Fleetwood Mac almost exclusively for the past couple days. That's right, the Mac. Not their early, blues-driven stuff either. No. I'm talking Mick Fleetwood, John & Christine McVie, Lindsey Buckingham & Stevie Nicks. The sleazy, cocaine-driven, lover-swapping Fleetwood Mac and Rumours period. It was disgusting. Pleasurably disgusting, but disgusting nonetheless.

So tonight, as penance, I told myself, "Self, enough of this Fleetwood Mac shit. It's rotting our brain. For christ's sake, bust out some punk rock before we go crazy." I didn't have to tell myself twice, and immediately remembered something I'd been meaning to do for months: track down legendary punk band Flipper's equally legendary debut album, Album - Generic Flipper. (I do own a copy, but it's on vinyl, and my vinyl resides some 16 hours away.) Within an hour I had all but one track -- which I'm still looking for -- and kids, I'm pleased to say this disc is every bit as good as I remembered!


Beat It, Nerd
gives Flipper's Album a coveted 5 out of 5 stars.

If you know nothing about Flipper, you can read more about them at Wikipedia. As for their sound, it was a very heavy, very chaotic affair, and definitely not for the weak of heart. I hate making "tastes like chicken"-type comparisons, but if you're into that kind of thing then they were like early Sonic Youth mixed with the Germs. Henceforth, they'll be known to me as the anti-Fleetwood Mac.


Interesting note about Album: It was released in 1982. In 1986, Public Image Ltd. (led by former Sex Pistol Johnny Rotten/Lydon) released an album called, ahem, Album. That was the name for its vinyl version, with the cassette and CD versions being called Cassette and Compact Disc, respectively. Though the packaging looked nothing like Flipper's Album -- but did look like all the generic products in 1984's Repo Man flick -- the concept similarity was close enough that Flipper retaliated with the double-live Public Flipper Limited. True story!