Northerners Are Weird, Hive-Like

Huh. I was tipped off to this by Jane via Gawker: NetFlix has a feature called "Local Favorites," which lets you see the most popular rentals in your area... or any area in the U.S.! Well, any "area" that's a major city.

The thing that struck me about Manhattan's Top 10 is that so many of the movies are New York-centric. I know it's the "greatest city on earth" and all, but one would think one wouldn't mind being transported to other places via cinema every now and again. The same was true to an extent for the other NY boroughs, but Manhattanites really take it to an extreme.

So I say to myself, "Self, ain't no way Baltimorons can be this proud of their environs -- that place is the city equivalent of a zombie!" But lo and behold... the Baltimore NetFlix Top 10!:

1. Liberty Heights
2. The Corner (2-Disc Series)
3. Avalon
4. The Wire: Season 2 (5-Disc Series)
5. L'Auberge Espagnole
6. A Dirty Shame
7. Hairspray
8. G
9. Homicide: Life on the Street: Seasons 1 & 2 (4-Disc Series)
10. Steve Harvey: Don't Trip, He Ain't Through with Me Yet

Gah! 10 movies (or TV shows), and at least seven are directly related to Charm City! By now, I'm panicking -- could it be that anyone who lives in a city is so in love with said city that all they want to watch are movies about the city?!? Feeling woozy, I tested my home state's two biggest cities:

Miami, FL
1. The Waiting List (Lista de Espera)
2. Bitter Sugar (Azúcar amarga)
3. Marc Anthony: Concert from Madison Square Garden
4. Guantanamera
5. For Love or Country
6. Strawberry & Chocolate (Fresa y Chocolate)
7. Secuestro Express (Kidnap Express)
8. The Dark Side of the Heart
9. Conversaciones con Mama
10. Balseros

Orlando, FL
1. Forest of the Dead
2. Star Wars: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi: Original Theatrical Version
3. Meet the Browns
4. Why Did I Get Married?
5. Somewhere in Time
6. Eurotrip
7. Star Wars: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back: Original Theatrical Version
8. Pink Floyd: Pulse (2-Disc Series)
9. Three Kings
10. HellBent

Whoa! Look at all the goddamn variety down there! And not a single flick about the cities they live in! Now those are some reasonable, sane people!

God bless Florida. I surely do miss it at times.

Willie Nelson Has Earned The Right To Smoke The Occasional Bong

It's surely not easy to be a classic country singer these days. Johnny Cash? Dead. Hank Williams Jr.? Accused of choking a woman with the improbable name of Holly Hornbeak. And Willie Nelson? Hit with four misdemeanor drug citations after a "routine"* traffic stop turned up a beatnik's paradise-worth of marijuana and psilocybin mushrooms on his legendary tour bus.

Not particularly shocking, considering how open Nelson has always been about his drug use. But it does underscore the utter ridiculousness of making certain all-natural drugs illegal. I'm not a doctor, lawyer or psychologist, so I don't feel qualified to speak on the many medical, legal and social fallacies involved. That said, I know a victim when I see one, and I fail to see one in a case that involves four old people smoking weed and doing 'shrooms on the back of a bus. And if there's no victim, why is it slowing down the courts and infringing on the accused's pursuit of happiness?

Besides, if Hank Williams Jr. can get away with choking waitresses, Willie should certainly be allowed to get stoned. He's Willie fucking Nelson!

----------
* Can a traffic stop involving Willie Nelson's tour bus, or any tour bus, really be considered routine? A Toyota Camry, that's routine. A tour bus, not so much.

Greetings From The Future

L'chaim. I'm from the year 5767, and I'm telling you it's great here. The air is clean. The water's clean. Even the dirt is clean. Bowling scores are way up. Mini-golf scores are way down. And we have more excellent water slides than any other planet we communicate with.

Ha! Just kidding. I'm not from the future; I'm Jewish. Rather, half my family's Jewish, but I was raised Catholic. Long story. Another long story is Rosh Hashanah, which started at sundown tonight, meaning it's now the year 5767 as far as non-goyim are concerned. So, Happy New Year! Unless you're a nazi. We dropped you bastards from our Friends & Family list a long time ago.

p.s. I must admit that most of my lede was swiped from another source. If you know which one, you are a well-cultured individual. Sa-lute!

Man, I Really Worked Blue Last Night

Oh my. I just looked over last night's drunken defense of Bocephus, and it even made me blush. Sure am glad I haven't told Mom about this site.

If any regular readers were offended, please accept my most heartfelt apologies. I mean it. You deserve better. You liberal motherfucking decent human beings, you.

But hey, speaking of working blue, how about that boxer The Smurf, huh? Get it? Smurf? Blue? Yeah. Alright, I'm getting out before I fall any further behind. Later.

Hank Williams Jr. Has Earned The Right To Choke The Occasional Bitch

Alright. I'll be honest with you. I was out drinking tonight. That's right, "into my cups" as they say. An old, old friend -- like, since elementary school-old -- was visiting, and he leaves town tomorrow, so we had a good old-fashioned pub crawl before he hit the road. Don't worry about me though; I told my boss I was coming in an hour late tomorrow before I left work tonight. Plus, he and I are now old men so I was home well before midnight, as you can see by this post.

That's right, old men. Or at least, sailing into middle age. It happens. As the wag who runs Superficial.com (or was it WWTDD.com?) recently said: "Hey time, fuck you."

But look, that's not the point. Point is, my main man Hank Williams, Jr. is back in the news, this time 'cause the latest bullshit lawsuit against him is moving forward. Unless you live in a cave, you already know the deal: Bocephus is accused of choking some waitress, amongst other indignities he allegedly foisted on her. But you know what? Fuck that waitress. And before you get all, "Hey you misogynistic motherfucker!" on me, let me assure you I'd say the same thing if it was a waiter.

Why? What the fuck has that waitress ever brought to the table that can outshine Bocephus' accomplishments, that's why. Huh? Tell me that. Did she write "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight?" "Country Boy Can Survive?" Is she Hank fucking Williams fucking Jr.? Is she the son of motherfucking Hank Williams? Or is she just some dumb piece of shit who won't be remembered 3 fucking weeks after she's dead?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not calling for carte blanche for all celebrities. What I am saying is, there are regular people, there are celebrities (a club that any halfwit can join), and there are icons, and Randall Hank Williams is certainly the latter. And if an icon wants to choke one of us regular people every now and again? Well, fuck. I'd certainly say Hank motherfucking Williams fucking Jr. has earned that motherfucking right. Wouldn't you?

Alright, so I'm kidding about most of this post. Not when it comes to my undying loyalty to any member of the Hank Williams family, though. Besides, you should see the look on your face right now, you liberal motherfucking decent human being. Haw haw on you, madame or sir. Haw haw on you.

New iTunes = HOT

Well blow me down! If you're a regular iTunes user like the staff at Beat It, Nerd, then you've probably already downloaded the latest update. If not, I'd recommend you do so immediately.

Unlike the last update, there are some big graphical upgrades with this one. For one, you don't have to manually add album art for songs that you don't buy from the iTunes Music Store -- there's a new option that will automatically find art for just about any album under the sun! Plus, there are two new "view" options; instead of just looking at an endless list of tunes, you can: a) view all songs by album, with the album art displayed to the left of each album's track listing, or b) use the new "cover browser," which puts a big window above the song tracks. In the center of this window is the album you're listening to, with the previous and next albums to the left and right, respectively. Kind of like looking at a jukebox! Sweet!

iTunes' new "grouped by album" view -- click it for a larger image!

The "jukebox" view -- click this one for a bigger version, too!

And no, Apple didn't pay me for this post. I wish. Those who know where I work know I could use the money.

UPDATE: Sweet! The iPod-interface features are super-upgraded, too! Bon scottetite!

Suck It You Rodian Dirtball

Yeah, so I was one of the lemmings who gave yet more money to George "I'm Both Morally and Creatively Bankrupt" Lucas today, so I could get my hands on the first-ever official DVD release of the original Star Wars and Return of the Jedi. Not Empire Strikes Back, though; I have no complaints about any of the Special Edition changes in that flick.

Is it insulting to have to buy the Special Editions that I just bought last year all over again to get the original versions? Of course. So are most things in life. But it is pretty sweet seeing Han shoot first again, the way Allah intended. Not to mention that funky wolfman dude in the cantina. And no more goddamn extended dance party at Jabba's palace in Jedi. Amen.

Five Years Later And We Still Haven't Caught Them

Outrageous!

Yes, Whither The Hobo Code?

Looks like hobo towns are back in a big way in Ohio. In fact, a new one on the Ohio River's north shore is threatening a tri-state event called "Tall Stacks" (if you know what Tall Stacks is, please don't tell me; I prefer to think it's a pancake-eating contest).

An estimated 20 homeless people have set up camp in makeshift shelters made of plastic sheets, string, old cable spools and carpet remnants along the Ohio River's northern shore just west of the Roebling Suspension Bridge.

These aren't Andy Griffith Show-style hobos, either. No. These swine shit in their own nest and fight each other like wolves!

Several piles of feces, some with toilet paper stuck to them, were evident along the downriver walkway of the bridge at the Cincinnati end of the span Friday. There was also a strong urine smell there.

[...]

Sgt. Steve Saunders, a Cincinnati police District One community outreach officer, said the group living there has developed a reputation for being violent with one another, especially after drinking too much.

Wow -- Americans living like animals down by the river, without even the luxury of a van! Some might see that as a real indictment of our country's direction. Not Cincinnati Vice Mayor Jim Tarbell, though.

Traditionally, [the homeless] have migrated to "quaint" riverside settings, but have abided by an unwritten code of conduct, [Tarbell] said.

Nowadays, that code seems to have disappeared, he lamented.

"It doesn't mean that you accept or any way support bad behavior," he said. "It's one thing to have a camp on the river, it's another thing to (pee) on someone's shoe."

That's right, you goddamn bums! If you don't stop pissing on people's shoes and return to the Hobo Code in a goddamn hurry, there'll be no more quaint riverside Hobo Town for you, got it? No more trash can fires, no more bean cans, no more Thunderbird -- nothing. Don't make Vice Mayor Tarbell tell you again!

Look On My Works, Ye Mighty, And Despair

The U.S. government -- my government, baby -- is putting a new spin on that old Shelley saw, according to a report in Wired:

A half-mile below the surface of the New Mexico desert, the federal government is interring thousands of tons of monstrously dangerous leftovers from its nuclear weapons program -- plutonium-infested clothing, tools and chemical sludge that will remain potentially lethal for thousands of years to come.

It may be safely secured now, but how to keep our descendants centuries in the future from accidentally unearthing it?

That's the question posed by the Waste Isolation Pilot Plant, the nation’s only underground repository for military-generated radioactive waste.

To address it, the Department of Energy convened a conclave of scientists, linguists, anthropologists and sci-fi thinkers to develop an elaborate system intended to shout "Danger!" to any human being for the next 10,000 years -- regardless of what language they speak or technology they use.

Storing nuclear leftovers underground? That's awesome that New Mexico doesn't have any groundwater or anything. Otherwise, di-a-bolical. As for the plan itself, I recommend putting The Robot from Lost in Space on the job. No one expresses "Danger!" better than that dude. Not once his arms start flapping.

Why Yes, I Am Ready For Some Football

At least I was until the stupid Pittsburgh Steelers had to go and ruin the season opener. Enjoy it while you can, Steeler fans. You probably live in the Pittsburgh area, which means you have a higher-than-average chance of contracting cancer at some point in your life. Suck on that while you gloat over your meaningless regular season victory!

Oh, and remember, Daunte: you want to pass to the guys wearing white, aqua & coral. Not black & yellow. Got it? I don't want to have this discussion again next week.

I'm Off The TV Wagon

So El Hombre Cable stopped by on Sunday, and I now have hundreds of channels from which to choose. Not to mention free HBO and "Starz" (the "z" shows they're hep, I guess) for a year. This comes after nearly two years without cable. Even though that dry spell was by choice, I've been binging like a m'f'er the last two days.

What can I say? I like MythBusters. Daily Show. The O'Reilly Factor and Hannity & Colmes (both for ironic reasons). And I'm looking forward to being able to watch the next season of Battlestar Galactica as it's released, instead of waiting for the fershlugginer DVD set. Not to mention whatever HBO shows come out over the next year. But what I really love about cable is the abundance of classic TV -- The Jeffersons, Magnum P.I., Hawaii 5-0, Kojak, All in the Family, Charles in Charge (highly underrated; Buddy Lembeck was comedy gold!), not to mention Star Trek. Ooh, and Happy Days. And hours and hours and hours of Cops. They're all there, like old friends you haven't spent time with in awhile.

Wait a second, "old friends?" Sweet jesus, that's pathetic. I'm off to punch a quadriplegic hooker to make up for it. But first, maybe an episode of Entourage from OnDemand. Ta-ta.

Like You Couldn't See That One Coming

Crikey! Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin got killed by one of the many deadly animals with which he was always fucking!

CAIRNS, Australia - Steve Irwin, the hugely popular Australian television personality and conservationist known as the “Crocodile Hunter,” was killed Monday by a stingray while filming off the Great Barrier Reef. He was 44.

[...]

“He came on top of the stingray and the stingray’s barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart,” said Stainton, who was on board Irwin’s boat at the time.

Yow, a stingray's barb right through the ol' ticker! Hell of a way to go, considering that most people die in bed or at the hands of another human. And at least he was spared the ultimate irony. If you need me to explain what the ultimate irony would be in this situation, then maybe you'd be better off reading a different blog; we move pretty fast around here.

As for the stingray, I can only imagine that crocodiles are already crafting songs and other works of art in its honor. Like, if there's a croc version of Jim Croce, then Jim Crocodoce is right now at this minute writing "Bad, Bad Leroy Stingray." Dude will probably even get knighted by the grand Crocodile King himself.

Steve Irwin, R.I.P.
"Don't Fear The Reaper"

Roll Over Beethoven, Tell Tchaikovsky The News

Ha! Remember that long-standing wisdom that classical music helps people do better in school, a.k.a. The Mozart Effect? Well, my new main men Drs. Rilby & Caldwell are all like, "Guess what, hombres? So does the sweet, sweet sound of rock 'n' roll!"

Thanks to Scotland's Glasgow Caledonian University, The Mozart Effect shall henceforth be known as The Hendrix Effect.

I'm not sure how valid this study was, though; they used Steve Vai as rock's representative. Don't get me wrong. He was cool in Ralph Macchio's Crossroads and all, but I wouldn't be able to concentrate on shit if someone was forcing me to listen to Surfing with the Alien. And considering they had motherf'ing Beethoven repping for Team Classical, it's kind of like a boxing match between Mike Tyson and a retarded 10-year-old. I'm amazed rock did as well as it did!

Ugh

Yeah, so as of today I'm 36. Thirty-six! Not recommended if you can avoid it, though I suppose the only known alternative is far, far worse.

In honor of this momentous occassion, today's playlist shall only consist of tunes released on or before my date of birth. It started with my perennial musical birthday starter, the Beatles' "Birthday," followed by the number one song on the day I was born (Edwin Starr's "War"), and now we're into Creedence's Bayou Country. Sweet jesus, that's a good album. In fact, I defy you to listen to CCR's cover of "Good Golly Miss Molly" and not contract a bad case of the boogie woogie flu.

Unfortunately, this whole "nothing after I was born" mandate means I'll hear plenty of hippie music before the day is through. Good thing such notable exceptions as Black Sabbath, the Stooges, the Velvet Underground and a few others were around back then, or this might not be doable.

Oh, and did I mention that the cable man is coming today? That's right, I somehow wound up with a cable appointment on my birthday. On a Sunday, no less. The Sunday before Labor Day. Bear in mind I've never gone to school or work on September 3 in my life, because The Man does not get access to me on my birthday, and this comes dangerously close to breaking that streak.

Maybe I'll wear one of those pointy birthday party hats the whole time the cable dude is here, and repeatedly point out that it's my birthday. Then I'll ask him if he brought me any cake, and look confused when he says he didn't.

"But," I'll say, "it's my birthday..."

Awesome Chili Recipe For Those Who Like It Hot

Shelton here, reporting live from my apartment on the Baltimore area's third gray and second rainy day in a row. (Though it now looks like it might be clearing up.) To beat the gloom, I declared today Chili Day, and when I declare a Chili Day, you can bet your socks that things are going to get hot and spicy. So I figured I'd share my time-tested chili recipe with you fine folks, but beware: it's hot!

Shelton's Awesome Hot Motherf'ing Chili

NOTE: If you're having Shelton's Awesome Hot Motherf'ing Chili for dinner, be sure to start cooking around 11:30 a.m. Which means about 5:30 a.m. if you want it for lunch. If you plan on having it for breakfast, well shit. I like your style, but that's crazy.

Ingredients:
* a little more than a pound of ground beef (or ground turkey if you prefer killing turkeys; tofu need not apply)
* 1 package of HOT chili seasoning mix
* 2 8-oz. cans of tomato sauce
* 4 green jalapenos
* 4 red jalapenos (these may have a different technical name, but I call them "red jalapenos")
* 2 habaneros (orange in color)
* 1 shot of whiskey (or more, if you want some for yourself)
* Note the complete lack of beans. If you even so much as think about putting beans in your chili then you're no longer making Shelton's Awesome Hot Motherf'ing Chili, and maybe you'd be better off getting recipes from Betty Crocker.

Directions:
* Pour the contents of the tomato sauce cans, the shot of whiskey and the chili seasoning pack into a mid-sized sauce pot, mix them up, and set the burner on "MED."
* Brown your beef. I can not overstress the importance of this step. I also recommend seasoning the beef with garlic & pepper while it's browning.
* Make absolutely sure you've done the first part of the last step. Seriously. I refuse to be held responsible if you don't.
* While the beef is browning, slice up your peppers: green jalapenos first, than the habaneros, then the red jalapenos. After you finish slicing each type, dump it into the sauce pot. Also, as you dump each type into the pot, be sure to loudly say, "Here comes the [green/orange/red]!" This is important, trust me.
* By the time you're done adding the peppers to the sauce, your beef should more or less be done. When it's ready, drain the fat, dry the meat off, then dump it into the sauce. When you add it, be sure to shout, "And finally, the brown!"
* Mix vigorously. If things look a little dry, fill one of the tomato sauce cans with water and add it in. (The water, not the can.)
* Bring the chili to a boil, mixing regularly. Once it boils, reduce the heat to a nice simmer.
* Mix it once every hour, on the hour, for a minimum of six hours. And for god's sake keep it covered!
* Time to eat! Serves 1 to 4 in any container you feel like putting it in. Also great right out of the pot! Be sure to have plenty of bread and water onhand before you dig in, though.

Last but not least, enjoy!