Wayne Huizenga Will Burn In Hell

Happy Halloween, readers. Despite the holiday, I'm in no mood for trick-or-treating -- I'm in the mood to mete out swift vengeance to the man most responsible for the downfall of what was once the world's greatest (American) football team.

The team? The Miami Dolphins. You might know them as the only NFL team to ever go undefeated. The man who ruined them? A sleazy scumbag should-be slumlord by the name of H. Wayne Huizenga, a.k.a. the Dolphins' owner. Who shall henceforth be referred to in this column as the Trash Man.

Why "Trash Man?" Because that's how he got his start: the "waste management" business. And because he's turned the 'Phins into pure garbage since buying them a little over a decade ago. I bring this up because the Miami Herald's David J. Neal summed up the Dolphins' demise quite nicely in a recent column, and reading it renews my urge to punch someone until the Dolphins start winning again. Might as well be the Trash Man. He's old, and will break easily.

Regarding the phenomenon discussed in Neal's article, I've seen it at work here in Baltimore. Locals tell me that, due to a combination of Don Shula's B-more connection and the theft of the Colts in the '80s, the 'Phins had a sizeable fan base in this area at one point. Nowadays, though, if you see a Baltimorean wearing aqua-and-coral? They're homeless. Homeless! The humanity!!!

You Too Can Make Crappy Indie Comics

Shelton here, with a hot tip for you that I got from the latest issue of the Stone: www.com-mix.org.

Long story as short as possible, the site basically works like Colorforms, using art presumably donated by a bushel of indie artists. You select the characters, the background, props, word balloons, etc., then paste them all together into one of six pre-set panel selections. Once done, you save it, and the cartoon is stored on the com-mix website for other visitors to see. Here's some of my handiwork, writing gags for artists Fay Ryu (the dude), Sakura Maku (the lady), and Paul Hoppe (the background); click for a larger version:

The selections are pretty limited, and there's a handful of annoying inconveniences (for example, I wasn't able to get the above example to save on the site with the background intact; am presuming it was a strip memory limitation or something), and outside of doing a screenshot, there's no direct way to save a cartoon to your computer. But, worth a visit if you're into such stuff.

No "sa-lute!" for it, though!

Robert Moore, You're One Crafty Son Of A Bitch

Guess what? Another kid managed to climb inside a one-armed bandit. I say "another" 'cause, seriously, a report like this seems to surface once a year. Which also makes me wonder if this has been happening as long as one-armed bandits have been around and we're just hearing about it more because of around the clock media coverage that constantly needs more fodder.

Either way, too bad Dubya-B didn't have this experience as a kid. Might have taught him an important lesson about having an exit strategy before you go into something. Zing!

Hopefully The Stupidest Goddamn Marketing Statement You'll Read All Day

From this Toronto Star article, about Taco Bell promising a free taco to every man, woman and child in America (and potentially Canada?) if a home run got hit "into the left-field or centre-field [remember, it's a Canadian article] stands during tonight's World Series Game Three."

Here's a Taco Bell spokesperson re: the promotion:

"We can't think of a more fitting way to celebrate America's favourite pastime than by giving fans a chance of winning America's favourite taco," said Bill Pearce, chief marketing officer for Taco Bell Corp.

Really? You can't think of any better way to celebrate baseball? Di-a-bolical.

Robert Fiveson Contra DreamWorks y Los Warner Bros.

Good news from Variety: a federal judge has ruled that the lawsuit filed by Robert S. Fiveson & the awesomely named Clonus Associates against DreamWorks & Warner Bros. can move forward.

Why does this matter? Because Fiveson is the creator of a little-known '79 sci-fi/horror flick called Parts: The Clonus Horror, and claims that DW/WB's The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson, is a ripoff of his film. After hearing this last year I made it a point to watch both movies, and in my opinion Fiveson has a very good case.

Plus, DreamWorks really isn't helping itself with a defense like this:

...DreamWorks also has argued plaintiffs were not entitled to any damages because "The Island" wasn't profitable.

The judge, however, said the defendants' method of calculating was highly contested by the plaintiffs and that the defendants did not provide supporting documentation when filing a declaration saying "The Island" made zero profit.

In other words, DreamWorks -- implying a place where dreams are made in factory-like conditions -- feels that it's perfectly all right for them to steal other people's ideas so long as they don't make any money off the project. That's a very progressive stance for a media conglomerate to take.

Incidentally, unless you have a subscription to Variety.com, you probably won't be able to read the linked article after a day or so. Tough titty for you, eh?

Farewell To A Champion

When it comes to sneakers, I've primarily been a Vans man since my teenaged years, though I did have a Chuck Taylor's phase as well. Still, I always found Vans to be more comfortable, and have worn them exclusively since my early 20s. (Note: Should the Vans people want to reward me for this taste-making endorsement with free sneakers, I'll gladly accept.)

My last pair were perhaps the greatest shoe ever created in the history of footwear: the Vans Maestro (pictured above). But they were two years old, and it was time for some replacements. So, a couple weeks back, I found myself near a local Vans discount outlet and went in. Good news was, they had the Maestros -- and in what I call Confederate Army colors, no less -- but they didn't have 'em in my size. No worries, I thought. I'll find a pair somewhere.

I thought that would be today, when I took a trip to an even-closer, but non-discount outlet Vans store, planning to walk out with a brand-new pair of Maestros. Then came the even worse news: the Maestro line had been discontinued, and I was lucky to have seen any at the discount joint.

Long story short, I settled for a pair of Emorys, in what I call Imperial Navy colors. They're no Maestros, but they're close and pretty damn comfortable in their own right. Sa-lute!

Chimps Are 20 Years Behind Us In Video Game Prowess

If this video is to believed, chimpanzees have learned to play Ms. Pac-man. Color me unimpressed; I've finished GTA: San Andreas (without cheating), after all.

Alright, a chimp playing a video game is pretty cool. Too bad they didn't go with a more obvious choice, though. I'd pay money to watch a chimp play this classic -- double for an ape.

Quite Possibly The Most Awesome Japanese Characters Ever

First, as a bit of backstory, about six months ago I expanded or wrote every Wikipedia article about Bon Scott-era AC/DC albums, most of the articles for those albums' songs, and even ones for Back in Black, ACDC Lane and more. I also strengthened a few other music articles, but High Voltage to Highway to Hell was my primary focus. A lot of man-hours were involved, but I like the concept of Wikipedia and felt, as a writer/editor, that I had a duty to help them out in whatever small way I could. I'm sappy like that.

Back to the present, I still patrol those pages on a fairly regular basis -- you know, make sure no jealous Brian Johnson fans are messing up the place, that sort of thing. And every now and then, I go check out other countries' AC/DC pages, just to see what they've got cooking. Tonight, I hit up Japan's page... which is why I'm now pleased to present six series of Japanese characters you can wear without fear that they say something unflattering. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you -- AC/DC, THE BON SCOTT VERSION, IN JAPANESE!!!

エーシーディーシー

ボン・スコット
アンガス・ヤング
マルコム・ヤング
クリフ・ウィリアムス
フィル・ラッド

Thank you, Tokyo! Goodnight!

Homina Homina

If you're a Scarlett Johansson lover, and you wear a pacemaker, I don't recommend picking up the new Esquire. Or clicking here, here, here, here, or here, and definitely not here. Yowza.

Incidentally, I found the Urban Dictionary's entry on "homina" to be quite chuckle-worthy, especially sentence two. A-woo-gah a-woo-gah indeed.

A Relatively Lazy Post About The Rolling Stones

I call this a lazy post because I wrote most of it before posting it to this here blog-a-roo. It all started when I did a drive-by past fellow On Time!er The Far North End, and found him having an existential dilemma regarding one of my favorite bands, the Rolling Stones. Besides asking for Stones album recommendations, FNE's question was: why does anyone consider the Stones to be equals to, if not better than, the Beatles? The rest of tonight's post is my reply to that question, spiced up with some stolen pictures. Enjoy!

* * *

For me, the answer to “Beatles or Stones?” will always be “Stones.” Almost exclusively because of the song “Sympathy for the Devil.” But I don’t see the Stones as being more innovative or influential as the Beatles. More talented? I’d call that a draw. Ultimately, I think it’s kind of like, whether a person believes in [INSERT PREFERRED CREATOR NAME HERE] or [INSERT PREFERRED CREATOR-OPPONENT NAME HERE], chances are they still believe that the creator is more powerful and influential than (and may have in fact created) the opponent.

I didn't live through the '60s, so I can't speak for the hippies, but that's how I've always viewed their rivalry: the Beatles were yang, and the Stones were yin. People just kind of go with whatever vibe they like the most. And yes, the Beatles were probably a more groundbreaking group than the Stones... but you’d be hard-pressed to prove they were cooler.

* * *

Two other things I just now thought to add -- first, the Stones gain a lot of props due to the fact the core members have been working together for 40-some-odd years, whereas the Beatles only lasted about a decade.

On a more superficial level, the Beatles couldn't boast anyone as awesome as Keith Richards, and the Stones weren't hampered by anyone as toolish as Paul McCartney (though arguments could be made in Mick Jagger's favor on that point). Discuss.

Awesome Album Covers #3

Here's the thing: the topic of the long-overdue third installment of Awesome Album Covers was going to come from the Rolling Stones' canon. Then I said to myself, "Self -- the first two AACs came from Dylan and the Pink Floyd, respectively. Go with the Stones tonight, and you'll be labeled a hippie!"

"Can't argue with that," I replied. "And as you well know, there are few things I detest more than being labeled!" So with that in mind, myself and I went back to the album cupboard and came up with tonight's decidedly-not-hippie-music Awesome Album Cover selection...

Iron Maiden's
Somewhere in Time!

Click for larger version!

I'll be honest: I'm not a real big Iron Maiden fan. I do like a number of their tunes -- at least two off of each of their first seven albums -- but they don't get a lot of five-star ratings on my iPod ("Running Free" being a very notable exception that probably deserves six or more stars). That said, I love their album covers, and tonight's selection is no exception.

Like all Iron Maiden cover art, this piece prominently features the band's mascot, Eddie, front and center. More importantly, it marks the culmination* of a series of ever-more-complex cover images from artist Derek Riggs, beginning with the band's eponymous debut in 1980. In fact, this one's so detailed that I decided to post both the front and back images -- an unprecedented move for Awesome Album Covers!

If you're familiar with Iron Maiden history you'll see a lot of nods to their previous albums, not to mention a cameo by the band itself. But why waste further words on this awesome illustration when you can viddy it with thine own eyes? Click the above image for a much larger version, and feast on what may very well be the greatest sci-fi-influenced album cover of all time! Bon scottetite!

UPDATE: For a MUCH larger version of Riggs' original SiT album art, go here. And while you're at it, why not groove on everything www.derekriggs.com has to offer? That dude rules.

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* Yes, I know Iron Maiden put out a bunch more albums after this one, some of which also had interesting album covers, but none that followed came close to matching SiT for its detail and overall coolness. And when they dropped Riggs after 1990's No Prayer for the Dying, the covers weren't even worth looking at anymore. That's not opinion, that's scientific fact.

Beat It, Nerd 2.0 Is Online And Fully Operational

Whew -- the dust is all but settled, and Beat It, Nerd is officially nuzzled in sweet momma Blogger Beta's warm embrace. Lest she be forgotten, though, here's one last look at the original site (click for a larger image, if you're into staring at dinosaurs):

If you're a current Blogger user, and have the option of switching to Blogger Beta, I highly recommend it. If you're not getting an update invite on your Blogger dashboard, it's still possible to switch your blog -- as seen here, duh -- but it will take a good amount of time. Especially if you have a large blog. That said, here's some of the new features offered by Blogger Beta:

* First, my favorite addition: post topics/meta-tags, with the option to post a complete list of your blog's topics in the sidebar (or elsewhere if you want to get real crazy).

* Faster blog & post editing with tons more options for each.

* HTML-free color, font, layout & blog features editing (though you'll still need to go to the HTML editor for some things).

* Better archive layout and options.

That's not all, but those are the things that caught my eye. Give it a spin yourself if you wanna know more, or don't. What do I care?

Moving Day

Swank new digs, no? And it's on the even swankier new "Blogger Beta." Only thing is, Blogger didn't deem the original Beat It, Nerd swanky enough to extend an invitation to migrate to Blogger Beta, so I had to take a very long route to get here. Fortunately, and almost by chance, I found out that deleted-blog URLs are now instantly available. So, it was "just" a matter of deleting the original beatitnerd.blogspot.com, starting a Blogger Beta account, relaunching the old URL on the new account, and now the fun part: transferring the old posts, having already saved the HTML for each in Microsoft Word documents. Quite a fun afternoon ahead of me...

My Tax Dollars Have Allegedly Helped Kill More Than A Half-Million Iraqis, And I Didn't Even Get A Lousy T-Shirt

Well. If you're a United States citizen like yours truly, then all you can really do is hope that this report isn't true.

I mean, fuck. 655,000 dead Iraqis? In a war that was supposed to liberate them, with very limited enemy response during the invasion stage? You'd think a relatively small country like that would be just about empty at this point. Hell, isn't that more than we lost in WWII? And remember, that's not just dead soldiers. It's dead old folks, women, babies and halfwits, the whole kit and caboodle. A hell of a lot of people. Poof. Just like that.

Of course, the warhawks will pooh-pooh the whole thing. "This is just one study," they'll harrumph. "Inconclusive. Probably biased. And in the end, they're just numbers. Right?"

Well, sure. Whatever gets you through the night, old bean. Personally, I just hope my tax dollars wound up in the pneumatic tube that goes to the Department of Education or some such shit. I wasn't in the market for dead Iraqis, and certainly don't want the government buying any on my behalf.

Get Motivated

I was going to let the staff of The Far North End spread the word about this, seeing as they were the ones who tipped off the Beat It, Nerd offices, but I haven't seen mention of it over there yet so I'm stealing his thunder: Ladies and gentlemen, can I interest you in Despair.com's Motivational Poster Generator!

If you're not familiar with Motivational Posters, you probably don't work in an office. Traditionally, they're black-bordered images of some tranquil or interesting scene, with one large word printed beneath the image, and smaller text about said word below that. For example (taken straight from a real M.P.), "Perserverance: What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve." Underneath a picture of a dude hanging off a cliff, no less. In short, they're the 21st century-equivalent of those "Hang In There" cat posters.


In retaliation, Despair.com launched its own line of "Demotivators," a.k.a. the Bizarro Superman version of M.P.s. Now, they've taken it one step further by letting YOU create whatever kind of motivational or demotivational poster you want -- sky's the limit, baby, and it's all free!

And yes, the ones that accompany this post are my own creations (click 'em for larger versions). Have fun making your own!

Dum Da Da Dum Da Da Dum Dum Da Da Dum Dum Dum Da Da Dum Dum Dum Dum

So here's the thing: season 3 of Battlestar Galactica premieres tonight, and I'm pretty damn excited. Admiral Adama's really got his work cut out for him, that's for sure -- those Cylons don't fuck around!

And yeah, I know the new show doesn't use the original show's theme song, as arguably implied by this post's headline. Too bad. When I think BSG, I think that tune. Sue me if you don't like it.

Some Album Recommendations

We've been doing a lot of music downloading lately at Beat It, Nerd -- all legal, of course -- and as with all things in life, some of it was good and some of it sucked. As a result, I have some fresh album recommendations for you. And though I didn't originally mean "fresh" in the old-school rap kind of way, I just now decided that it's exactly what I mean. So here we go:


• Alice Donut: Bucketfulls of Sickness and Horror in an Otherwise Meaningless Life (1989): The sophomore release from this punk-influenced NYC band known for its noisily harmonic music and love-him-or-hate-him lead singer. Though "known" probably isn't the right word, 'cause they're not a particularly well-known band. Regardless, this album saw the Donut evolve from a novelty song-type band into a bona fide artistic force. If you like Sonic Youth, Pussy Galore, maybe even the Butthole Surfers, you'll probably enjoy this... if you can get past Thomas Antona's voice. I can, but then again I think Johnny Rotten is the greatest rock singer ever. Really. 4 out of 5 thumbs up.


• Gogol Bordello: Gypsy Punks - Underdog World Strike (2005): If you're not familiar with Gogol Bordello, they offer a fusion of traditional eastern European music, rock, dance and dub. And their lead singer/mastermind Eugene Hutz sports a ridiculously bushy mustache. That said, this isn't some kind of goofy front on the band's part; it's primarily comprised of eastern European immigrants. If you're looking for something decidedly different, you can't go wrong here. Fun album! 4 out of 5 thumbs up.



• Peter Tosh: Equal Rights (1977): Another sophomore release! I was never really into reggae -- where I come from, it's goddamn hippie music -- but have been playing around with it of late. Some of it, especially the political stuff, ain't bad. And few come more political than Tosh. He's got some crazy sounds going on with the bass and presumably synthesizers here, especially on "Stepping Razor" and his take on "Get Up, Stand Up," which rules all over the Wailers' version. We'll call it even at 4 out of 5 thumbs up.

• AC/DC: Kicked in the Teeth Again (1977) & Rarities VIII (1978): Yes, I saved the best for last. These bootleg releases -- which again, I obtained in a completely legal manner -- document live Bon Scott-era recordings in San Francisco, CA on 9/2/77 and Columbus, OH on 9/10/78, respectively. Both capture what became, for a time, the World's Greatest Rock 'n' Roll Band, before they became that band, rocking hard enough to tear a hole in the space-time continuum. Unfortunately, Kicked suffers from bad sound quality, and Rarities appears to have been pieced together from multiple sources (including radio broadcasts), but that won't stop me from giving both of 'em 5 out of 5 thumbs up!

That's it for now. Oh, and a big "Sa-lute!" to the good people at The Far North End for a hot tip about one of these, the identity of which will remain hidden to protect the innocent. Ciao, babies.

Don't Worry, I'm Not Dead

Hey, what's up. Been awhile, huh? Yeah, I've been busy. Family was in town, plus I got a new cell phone -- the Sanyo "Katana." I.E., Sprint's version of the ubiquitous "Razr." Only we use all our vowels here in Sprint Country.

A new piece of technology, or god forbid a video game, is guaranteed to sap my interest in all other extracurricular activities for at least a week, as was the case this time. If it'd been a grade-A new video game, you might not have heard from me for a month. You've been warned.

But anyways, the phone: it's pretty sweet. Should you be in the market for a new phone, and are a Sprint customer, or don't mind switching to Sprint, I strongly recommend the Katana. For one, it has a cool name. It flips open, which is a feature the Star Trek fan in me demands of all cell phones. And it's ridiculously slim.* I think it might even be two-dimensional. More importantly, though, conversations sound great on both ends, and it has unbelievably good reception. In fact, I was using it while putting clothes in the dryer in the laundry room of my apartment building's basement, and the call was still clear as a bell!

That said, if you're a phone-gadget fiend, this is not the model for you; a web browser and a VGA camera (no video) is all it offers.

Still, it's perfect for my needs. Strange thing is, it's not the phone I set out to buy: the one I really wanted was the Samsung A640. Why? It looks just like Spock's coffin from Wrath of Khan! Plus, it has a '70s-style external display that only shows red & blue colors, making it a cell phone that would've been right at home on the Death Star. But, Sprint stopped selling it the day before I went to buy one -- apparently the reception was shit. B-Side wins again!

And no, I don't sleep in Star Trek sheets. Or Star Wars. Get a life, man.

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* The downside to this is, Sanyo felt it necessary to print "ultraslim mobile phone" on the phone's exterior. Thank christ they didn't build my car or it would say "small fuel efficient car" across the hood.