Well, I'm Back

Sweet Jesus, has it really been like 2 weeks since my last post? Good golly Miss Molly! I didn't intend to be away that long, but, you know, things get in the way. Like, ridiculous levels of attention paid to the mid-term elections. Oh, and a lot of time spent reconfiguring my computer so it can use many of the visual bells & whistles of Windows Vista without actually having to buy Windows Vista.

And, uh, just kind of sitting around. Some books were involved. And some movies. And some sloth. I'm only human.

So, I'm going to ease back into the whole regular posting thing. Oh, and hey, how 'bout dem liberals, huh? Good going, guys. Try to not lose it to the conservatives again for at least 12 years, if not longer. Things get real crazy real fast when they have complete control...

Wayne Huizenga Will Burn In Hell

Happy Halloween, readers. Despite the holiday, I'm in no mood for trick-or-treating -- I'm in the mood to mete out swift vengeance to the man most responsible for the downfall of what was once the world's greatest (American) football team.

The team? The Miami Dolphins. You might know them as the only NFL team to ever go undefeated. The man who ruined them? A sleazy scumbag should-be slumlord by the name of H. Wayne Huizenga, a.k.a. the Dolphins' owner. Who shall henceforth be referred to in this column as the Trash Man.

Why "Trash Man?" Because that's how he got his start: the "waste management" business. And because he's turned the 'Phins into pure garbage since buying them a little over a decade ago. I bring this up because the Miami Herald's David J. Neal summed up the Dolphins' demise quite nicely in a recent column, and reading it renews my urge to punch someone until the Dolphins start winning again. Might as well be the Trash Man. He's old, and will break easily.

Regarding the phenomenon discussed in Neal's article, I've seen it at work here in Baltimore. Locals tell me that, due to a combination of Don Shula's B-more connection and the theft of the Colts in the '80s, the 'Phins had a sizeable fan base in this area at one point. Nowadays, though, if you see a Baltimorean wearing aqua-and-coral? They're homeless. Homeless! The humanity!!!

You Too Can Make Crappy Indie Comics

Shelton here, with a hot tip for you that I got from the latest issue of the Stone: www.com-mix.org.

Long story as short as possible, the site basically works like Colorforms, using art presumably donated by a bushel of indie artists. You select the characters, the background, props, word balloons, etc., then paste them all together into one of six pre-set panel selections. Once done, you save it, and the cartoon is stored on the com-mix website for other visitors to see. Here's some of my handiwork, writing gags for artists Fay Ryu (the dude), Sakura Maku (the lady), and Paul Hoppe (the background); click for a larger version:

The selections are pretty limited, and there's a handful of annoying inconveniences (for example, I wasn't able to get the above example to save on the site with the background intact; am presuming it was a strip memory limitation or something), and outside of doing a screenshot, there's no direct way to save a cartoon to your computer. But, worth a visit if you're into such stuff.

No "sa-lute!" for it, though!

Robert Moore, You're One Crafty Son Of A Bitch

Guess what? Another kid managed to climb inside a one-armed bandit. I say "another" 'cause, seriously, a report like this seems to surface once a year. Which also makes me wonder if this has been happening as long as one-armed bandits have been around and we're just hearing about it more because of around the clock media coverage that constantly needs more fodder.

Either way, too bad Dubya-B didn't have this experience as a kid. Might have taught him an important lesson about having an exit strategy before you go into something. Zing!

Hopefully The Stupidest Goddamn Marketing Statement You'll Read All Day

From this Toronto Star article, about Taco Bell promising a free taco to every man, woman and child in America (and potentially Canada?) if a home run got hit "into the left-field or centre-field [remember, it's a Canadian article] stands during tonight's World Series Game Three."

Here's a Taco Bell spokesperson re: the promotion:

"We can't think of a more fitting way to celebrate America's favourite pastime than by giving fans a chance of winning America's favourite taco," said Bill Pearce, chief marketing officer for Taco Bell Corp.

Really? You can't think of any better way to celebrate baseball? Di-a-bolical.