Wayne Huizenga Will Burn In Hell

Happy Halloween, readers. Despite the holiday, I'm in no mood for trick-or-treating -- I'm in the mood to mete out swift vengeance to the man most responsible for the downfall of what was once the world's greatest (American) football team.

The team? The Miami Dolphins. You might know them as the only NFL team to ever go undefeated. The man who ruined them? A sleazy scumbag should-be slumlord by the name of H. Wayne Huizenga, a.k.a. the Dolphins' owner. Who shall henceforth be referred to in this column as the Trash Man.

Why "Trash Man?" Because that's how he got his start: the "waste management" business. And because he's turned the 'Phins into pure garbage since buying them a little over a decade ago. I bring this up because the Miami Herald's David J. Neal summed up the Dolphins' demise quite nicely in a recent column, and reading it renews my urge to punch someone until the Dolphins start winning again. Might as well be the Trash Man. He's old, and will break easily.

Regarding the phenomenon discussed in Neal's article, I've seen it at work here in Baltimore. Locals tell me that, due to a combination of Don Shula's B-more connection and the theft of the Colts in the '80s, the 'Phins had a sizeable fan base in this area at one point. Nowadays, though, if you see a Baltimorean wearing aqua-and-coral? They're homeless. Homeless! The humanity!!!

Why Yes, I Am Ready For Some Football

At least I was until the stupid Pittsburgh Steelers had to go and ruin the season opener. Enjoy it while you can, Steeler fans. You probably live in the Pittsburgh area, which means you have a higher-than-average chance of contracting cancer at some point in your life. Suck on that while you gloat over your meaningless regular season victory!

Oh, and remember, Daunte: you want to pass to the guys wearing white, aqua & coral. Not black & yellow. Got it? I don't want to have this discussion again next week.

Exclusive Interview With Daunte Culpepper

Yeah, so the 2006 NFL season gets underway in just over two weeks, and the Miami Dolphins are once again looking like the team to beat. Moreover, the Super Bowl will be played in Miami this year, making the 'Phins a shoo-in to be the first-ever team to win a league championship in their home stadium. To get you prepped for all the coming excitement, Beat It, Nerd caught up with new Miami quarterback Daunte Culpepper for this hard-hitting interview:

Beat It, Nerd: Hey.

Daunte Culpepper: Hey.

BIN: So, uh, welcome to the Dolphins!

DC: Thanks.

BIN: No, thank you.

DC: [nods head]

BIN: So, how do you like the Dolphins' chances this year?

DC: I like them a lot. We're going to march on a road of bones, man. Heads will roll. Count on it.

BIN: Yeah, cool. Oh, and I see you switched to number eight. You know, after wearing number eleven in Minnesota.

DC: Naw, dawg. That ain't number eight. That's the infinity symbol.

BIN: Wait, the infinity symbol?

DC: Yep.

BIN: But that would make you...

DC: Right. Number Infinity.

BIN: Whoa.

DC: Uh-huh.

BIN: Is that even legal?

DC: Guess we'll find out, won't we?

There you have it, folks -- Daunte Culpepper, wearing the infinity symbol on his chest and not giving two shits if anyone finds out! Is this going to be a great season, or what?!?