You Too Can Make Crappy Indie Comics

Shelton here, with a hot tip for you that I got from the latest issue of the Stone: www.com-mix.org.

Long story as short as possible, the site basically works like Colorforms, using art presumably donated by a bushel of indie artists. You select the characters, the background, props, word balloons, etc., then paste them all together into one of six pre-set panel selections. Once done, you save it, and the cartoon is stored on the com-mix website for other visitors to see. Here's some of my handiwork, writing gags for artists Fay Ryu (the dude), Sakura Maku (the lady), and Paul Hoppe (the background); click for a larger version:

The selections are pretty limited, and there's a handful of annoying inconveniences (for example, I wasn't able to get the above example to save on the site with the background intact; am presuming it was a strip memory limitation or something), and outside of doing a screenshot, there's no direct way to save a cartoon to your computer. But, worth a visit if you're into such stuff.

No "sa-lute!" for it, though!

Farewell To A Champion

When it comes to sneakers, I've primarily been a Vans man since my teenaged years, though I did have a Chuck Taylor's phase as well. Still, I always found Vans to be more comfortable, and have worn them exclusively since my early 20s. (Note: Should the Vans people want to reward me for this taste-making endorsement with free sneakers, I'll gladly accept.)

My last pair were perhaps the greatest shoe ever created in the history of footwear: the Vans Maestro (pictured above). But they were two years old, and it was time for some replacements. So, a couple weeks back, I found myself near a local Vans discount outlet and went in. Good news was, they had the Maestros -- and in what I call Confederate Army colors, no less -- but they didn't have 'em in my size. No worries, I thought. I'll find a pair somewhere.

I thought that would be today, when I took a trip to an even-closer, but non-discount outlet Vans store, planning to walk out with a brand-new pair of Maestros. Then came the even worse news: the Maestro line had been discontinued, and I was lucky to have seen any at the discount joint.

Long story short, I settled for a pair of Emorys, in what I call Imperial Navy colors. They're no Maestros, but they're close and pretty damn comfortable in their own right. Sa-lute!

Get Motivated

I was going to let the staff of The Far North End spread the word about this, seeing as they were the ones who tipped off the Beat It, Nerd offices, but I haven't seen mention of it over there yet so I'm stealing his thunder: Ladies and gentlemen, can I interest you in Despair.com's Motivational Poster Generator!

If you're not familiar with Motivational Posters, you probably don't work in an office. Traditionally, they're black-bordered images of some tranquil or interesting scene, with one large word printed beneath the image, and smaller text about said word below that. For example (taken straight from a real M.P.), "Perserverance: What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve." Underneath a picture of a dude hanging off a cliff, no less. In short, they're the 21st century-equivalent of those "Hang In There" cat posters.


In retaliation, Despair.com launched its own line of "Demotivators," a.k.a. the Bizarro Superman version of M.P.s. Now, they've taken it one step further by letting YOU create whatever kind of motivational or demotivational poster you want -- sky's the limit, baby, and it's all free!

And yes, the ones that accompany this post are my own creations (click 'em for larger versions). Have fun making your own!

Awesome Chili Recipe For Those Who Like It Hot

Shelton here, reporting live from my apartment on the Baltimore area's third gray and second rainy day in a row. (Though it now looks like it might be clearing up.) To beat the gloom, I declared today Chili Day, and when I declare a Chili Day, you can bet your socks that things are going to get hot and spicy. So I figured I'd share my time-tested chili recipe with you fine folks, but beware: it's hot!

Shelton's Awesome Hot Motherf'ing Chili

NOTE: If you're having Shelton's Awesome Hot Motherf'ing Chili for dinner, be sure to start cooking around 11:30 a.m. Which means about 5:30 a.m. if you want it for lunch. If you plan on having it for breakfast, well shit. I like your style, but that's crazy.

Ingredients:
* a little more than a pound of ground beef (or ground turkey if you prefer killing turkeys; tofu need not apply)
* 1 package of HOT chili seasoning mix
* 2 8-oz. cans of tomato sauce
* 4 green jalapenos
* 4 red jalapenos (these may have a different technical name, but I call them "red jalapenos")
* 2 habaneros (orange in color)
* 1 shot of whiskey (or more, if you want some for yourself)
* Note the complete lack of beans. If you even so much as think about putting beans in your chili then you're no longer making Shelton's Awesome Hot Motherf'ing Chili, and maybe you'd be better off getting recipes from Betty Crocker.

Directions:
* Pour the contents of the tomato sauce cans, the shot of whiskey and the chili seasoning pack into a mid-sized sauce pot, mix them up, and set the burner on "MED."
* Brown your beef. I can not overstress the importance of this step. I also recommend seasoning the beef with garlic & pepper while it's browning.
* Make absolutely sure you've done the first part of the last step. Seriously. I refuse to be held responsible if you don't.
* While the beef is browning, slice up your peppers: green jalapenos first, than the habaneros, then the red jalapenos. After you finish slicing each type, dump it into the sauce pot. Also, as you dump each type into the pot, be sure to loudly say, "Here comes the [green/orange/red]!" This is important, trust me.
* By the time you're done adding the peppers to the sauce, your beef should more or less be done. When it's ready, drain the fat, dry the meat off, then dump it into the sauce. When you add it, be sure to shout, "And finally, the brown!"
* Mix vigorously. If things look a little dry, fill one of the tomato sauce cans with water and add it in. (The water, not the can.)
* Bring the chili to a boil, mixing regularly. Once it boils, reduce the heat to a nice simmer.
* Mix it once every hour, on the hour, for a minimum of six hours. And for god's sake keep it covered!
* Time to eat! Serves 1 to 4 in any container you feel like putting it in. Also great right out of the pot! Be sure to have plenty of bread and water onhand before you dig in, though.

Last but not least, enjoy!

Open Letter To Angus & Malcolm Young

Dear Los Bros. Young:

As you may or may not have noticed, it’s now mid-August 2006. Why is this significant? Because you’d promised a new album this year, and guess what? The year’s almost over, and you haven’t even so much as stepped foot in a studio. Which makes me think that you might have what the French call “ze cold feet.”

Back in their Bon Scott days, AC/DC played a show so loudly that 17 audience members' heads exploded in the first 20 minutes. Fortunately, all 17 casualties turned out to be evil shapeshifting aliens, marking the first of many times the world was saved by this remarkable band.

Not that I can blame you. Don’t get me wrong: you’ve put out some of the best damn albums in the history of rock ‘n’ roll. I mean, you guys even beat the infamous Three-Good-Records-Tops Curse that seems to strike 99% of all bands. T.N.T., Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, Let There Be Rock, Powerage, Highway to Hell. Pure gold, every one of them. Even that first Brian Johnson album, what do you call it, Back in Black. Not your best work by any means, but listenable.

But then, well. Each successive release just got worse and worse, didn't it? Culminating with the steaming pile of crap that was 2000’s Stiff Upper Lip. Why? I put the blame squarely on Brian Johnson’s shoulders. Just look at him! His limited vocal range and asinine song writing are bad enough, but what really puts the stripe on the skunk is that stupid, ever-present, Fred Sanford-style cap. Frankly, if he were my lead singer I’d have cold feet about going back into the studio, too.

Brian Johnson is so fucking stupid that he once showed up to sing at a Guns N' Roses concert by mistake. Needless to say, he was resoundingly booed off the stage.

After hearing all that you’re probably thinking, “Why does he even care if we go back into the studio? He clearly hates everything we’ve done in the past 25 years anyhow.” Guilty as charged. But every now and then, some old, washed-up band that hasn’t had a decent album in ages finds a way to reach deep inside the flabby modern incarnations of themselves and pull out the inner screaming demon of rock ‘n’ roll that made them great to begin with. Personally, I think you can be one of those bands, and I’d love to hear the results.

That said, don’t even bother if you plan on bringing Johnson into the studio with you. He’s a bloated, talentless lamprey sucking off your shark-esque twin guitar power, and hasn’t even written any lyrics since ‘88’s Blow Up Your Video. No. Best thing to do is fire his lame ass, then either hire a hungry young new singer/songwriter, or -- and I’m sure I don’t need to point out the genius in this move -- bring in former Sex Pistols frontman Johnny Rotten. Eh? No less than 12 major world cities would be in flames within hours of that announcement, lads. Think about it.

I guess that's it. Oh, and if maybe we could hang out some time, you know, and maybe you could show me some hot guitar licks, whatever, that would be pretty sweet. But, you know, I’m not expecting it or anything. No pressure.

Your fan,
Shelton