Don't Worry, I'm Not Dead

Hey, what's up. Been awhile, huh? Yeah, I've been busy. Family was in town, plus I got a new cell phone -- the Sanyo "Katana." I.E., Sprint's version of the ubiquitous "Razr." Only we use all our vowels here in Sprint Country.

A new piece of technology, or god forbid a video game, is guaranteed to sap my interest in all other extracurricular activities for at least a week, as was the case this time. If it'd been a grade-A new video game, you might not have heard from me for a month. You've been warned.

But anyways, the phone: it's pretty sweet. Should you be in the market for a new phone, and are a Sprint customer, or don't mind switching to Sprint, I strongly recommend the Katana. For one, it has a cool name. It flips open, which is a feature the Star Trek fan in me demands of all cell phones. And it's ridiculously slim.* I think it might even be two-dimensional. More importantly, though, conversations sound great on both ends, and it has unbelievably good reception. In fact, I was using it while putting clothes in the dryer in the laundry room of my apartment building's basement, and the call was still clear as a bell!

That said, if you're a phone-gadget fiend, this is not the model for you; a web browser and a VGA camera (no video) is all it offers.

Still, it's perfect for my needs. Strange thing is, it's not the phone I set out to buy: the one I really wanted was the Samsung A640. Why? It looks just like Spock's coffin from Wrath of Khan! Plus, it has a '70s-style external display that only shows red & blue colors, making it a cell phone that would've been right at home on the Death Star. But, Sprint stopped selling it the day before I went to buy one -- apparently the reception was shit. B-Side wins again!

And no, I don't sleep in Star Trek sheets. Or Star Wars. Get a life, man.

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* The downside to this is, Sanyo felt it necessary to print "ultraslim mobile phone" on the phone's exterior. Thank christ they didn't build my car or it would say "small fuel efficient car" across the hood.

Suck It You Rodian Dirtball

Yeah, so I was one of the lemmings who gave yet more money to George "I'm Both Morally and Creatively Bankrupt" Lucas today, so I could get my hands on the first-ever official DVD release of the original Star Wars and Return of the Jedi. Not Empire Strikes Back, though; I have no complaints about any of the Special Edition changes in that flick.

Is it insulting to have to buy the Special Editions that I just bought last year all over again to get the original versions? Of course. So are most things in life. But it is pretty sweet seeing Han shoot first again, the way Allah intended. Not to mention that funky wolfman dude in the cantina. And no more goddamn extended dance party at Jabba's palace in Jedi. Amen.

I've Had It With This Motherf'ing Free Hype For The Motherf'ing Man

Don't get me wrong. I like Samuel L. Jackson as much as the next movie fan. Would love to hear what he really thinks about those horrible Star Wars flicks he got suckered into doing. (Same goes for Ewan MacGregor on that point... and speaking of which, where'd he go since Sith? Don't tell me the Star Wars curse has struck again!)

But what the fuck is with all the free bandwidth you people keep giving to New Line to promote its new movie? You know, the one about the aeroplane stuffed to the gills with legless reptiles. That one.

Samuel L. Jackson isn't the problem, people giving free publicity to a multi-billion-dollar movie studio -- and then paying to see their movie -- is the problem.

As of right now, a specific Google search for, uh, "that movie's title" (in quotes) turns up 18,300,000 pages. Abraham Lincoln? 23 million. That's right. Dude's on Mt. Rushmore, the five-dollar bill, the penny, classic Star Trek and Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, and he gets less than 5 million pages more than a movie about, you know, those things on the thing. And in what I find to be an even more startling statistic, the Sex Pistols only net 6,260,000 pages! The frikkin' Sex Pistols! Just 1/3 as page-worthy as a movie co-starring a bunch of badly CGI-ed serpents!

For the most part, those 18,300,000 pages are the result of millions of John Q. Publics spending millions of hours making electronic odes to a B-movie that no one's even seen yet. And who primarily benefits from that labor of love? New Line Cinema, the studio that bankrolled the movie and will reap the profits when it inevitably emerges as the nation's #1 film. I'm sure they appreciate your efforts.

Not that I'm not going to see it, mind you. Like I said, I'm a Jackson fan, and I can't blame him for having it with those motherfucking things. I'm just not lifting a finger to help a bunch of fat cats get fatter. Especially considering my deep-seated hatred of cats.